Chapter 30: Space Bound

Just chillin in the lab after a successful day at the film screenings. It looks like some people do like my scene from Donnie Brasco. I'm glad that I could make some people happy, I still look at it and wish I could change somethings. The director is never fully pleased with their films, never. Thats the way it is and you gotta just move onto the next project. I got this Eminem craving, I've been listening everything from Like Toy Soldiers to Real Slim Shady to Space Bound. Space Bound has clinched my attention and I can't get it out of my head.

Thinking about this song, I'm not sure if I fear being burnt or dumped. Thing is I've never actually felt it before. I've had my emotions toyed with before though, that shit hurts. Girls make you feel like your worth something, but in all reality they just want to get from you what they want and ditch you. Its either me or the girls I'm pursuing and I already know its not me. Girls are mean, well most. I just never get a chance at girls that are nice, they are apart of a different world.

I can't crash land there because I've been labeled as a bad person. The rumors and stories people spread about me are false and people are so quick to judge, they will never get to know me as a cool, friendly and honest guy. I feel shut out and outcasted at times. My old roomie recently got a girlfriend and he hasn't done shit to get her. Like I even told him that he shouldn't give up on her and he should at least hangout with her cause shes cool. He almost let it die, but last second they got back together and know hes happy. I wish it was that easy to take off in a relationship like that.

I wish girls would just forgive me of my past and allow me to show how good of a man I can be. These dreams about having something of a life tear into me bit by bit. I'm taking it because I can handle it, but it slowly kills me.

A girl today talked about the fear of death. She said why am I doing all this stuff and in the end I know that I'll die and it won't matter. It will all just go to waste and I'll be forgotten. Whats the point? I was thinking God is the only reason why I'm here, but I also want to have a wife and raise a family. I want to achieve so much, does that make me selfish? Does that label me not a follower of God because I want to have a family and a career? I feel like everyone expects me to drop everything and kill all my dreams that God has given me. I feel like they are too insane for God that they end up just judging the people that don't do what they do. What makes them so much better of a person than me? They only do it to glorify themselves. No one does it purely to glorify God, everyone has a "Look at me" attitude will they try to do good in God's eyes.

I feel distant from them, not distant from God. I believe there is a girl out there that will understand me and love God and I. I don't need that girl who is going to breath down my neck and tell me I'm doing wrong when they don't know what I've gone through or who I am to begin with. Don't you dare point that finger, you've been there too. I may be several galaxies different then you, but that doesn't mean we can't be together. I just want you to understand my life and love me for how much I love God and family. Past is behind us and I'm soaring into a new life of meaning and that special someone can join me, otherwise get out of my way because I'm not wasting my life.

Chapter 29: I'm no Superhero

After picking my friend up to do a test and dropping him back off at home, I was driving down main street when the most odd thing happened. Man in a SUV doesn't see the red light and tries to stop at the last second. The the street is covered in black ice and he slides. The woman in a green Taurus takes a hit as she crosses the street, she spins and hes spins too. His car smacks into another car in the other lane and now three cars are in the accident. I saw this all and got out of my car. I run up to the the man in the SUV and ask if hes ok. He shakes his head. I see hes got a bruise and couple cuts, but nothing too bad. A cop comes onto the scene and I'm helping out the people of the crash with a couple of other guys. Other by standers just watch as we get the people out of the car and help them walk around. They give me that look of "Wow your a good guy, your like a superhero."

Um hold up. Superhero? Nah nah that ain't me. Do they even know what I fail at in life? All they see is a guy helping out some victims of a crash. They don't know that I can't hold a relationship to save my life or that I'm struggling in some classes at the local college. No they don't know me like that, but I guess thats how superheros are looked at. We have no backstory that people know because they will never know us personally. They only know what they see, a figure trying to do what is right.

So does that make me more than a man? Nah, it makes me what everyone else should have done. We all have a little bit of hero in us. We just afraid to stand up and do something. We let others do what we should have done. Help a friend or family member this Holiday with something. Be kind to your enemies and become the White Knight, while I roam in the Black.

Chapter 28: The Dream's Tell Me

Long time ago, I dreamt of a man and a women who lived in a house and they were very happy. They love each other and their two kids. I was the man and the women I couldn't tell. I only know she had blonde hair. I couldn't see the face, it was blank and my two kids had blank faces too. Scary right? Let me remind you of my past and when I began to have visions.

Sometimes when I dream, they happen. I know it sounds weird and unrealistic, but i really do believe deja vu or dreams can happen and exist. I just wonder who is that girl in the blonder hair. Everything is so dependent on her, she is the key to the whole scene. If I could only understand and figure out what I need to do to get to her, but I'm lost. Girls only want a douche, they don't want a nice guy/friend. They always searching and should just look around for once and see the friend that has always been there. I can't believe that when they have their broken hearts, they cry and ask what happened? You were with a total douche, what you expect? I never deal with that shit. I move on and try to find that one decent girl that wants me. Does she exist or she just in my dreams? The ultimate journey is finding that one girl for you.

Tell you the truth I never had a girl friend. Thats right, all the girls you think that I know or get with are just friends. I'm not saying I haven't been with a girl, but I've never had a stable relationship with a girl before. The reason I don't know, but maybe its because I'm red headed. I know this will sound depressing and in fact it maybe to a certain extent, but girls just don't want red hair. Sometimes they think it would be something different, but mostly it doesn't work like that. No girl likes a guy with red hair. Not even girls who crazy about redheads, they only want to get with one and see how it is. After they know, they can go tell their friends. I know your thinking this is some deep shit and it is, but you must understand that even redhead girls don't want redhead guys. They don't want what they already have, unless they are fuckin psycho.

We just live in an era where the cute girls are taken and the ugos and hotties are not. Ugos for their look and the hotties because they are bitches. Know one wants to here a whiny ass bitch, but that is whats left and if you don't want to be alone, there is always that option. Its not tasteful though, you will get hurt either way. So why can't I find you?

I find my self searching within the people I never trusted and never wanted to see myself as. I have my crushes and I don't think that any of them could be the one. I puzzled and my vision clouded with a storm. I feel tossed around in a sea where I can't find the right way to you. My heart sinks like titanic and I'm becoming colder than ever before. Sometimes I feel like the end should just happen, but to never love would be the worst feeling I figure. I want to care for someone more than just myself, where is the pure blonde woman?

I'm in need for girl who hasn't shown her face to me so far. When will I know when I run into that girl? Will she be blank or will she just know? I want her to just know and feel me when I first see her. I want to wake up and know that I have to care, love and protect someone else but me. I want to be that one that has to do whatever to protect the one he loves. All this sounds corny and I know that you laugh, but I'm the only one who admits that we long for something real and not just today. I want this to last forever, even in my dreams. I still search, the barren corners of my endless dream and hope to one day find that shine in the dark and know that its alright.