I've been heading into nights trying to sleep when the stars shine at their brightest, but I can't relax and start the slumber. I find that I can't sleep, like my body won't let me. Maybe its because something is hanging on to my thoughts and for some reason I haven't let go of it yet. Its like a dark pain that keeps on punching me in the chest and every breath makes it impossible to survive. I never give up I just bare it and hope one day I can forget the pain. It would almost come as a routine and I would never be reminded, it would just happen.
I can't sleep, try shutting my eyes, but the mind is not ready to shut off. My mind never wants to stop thinking and makes me worry, how do I live like this? I can tell myself it will be ok and someday it will, but right now its just a lie that I'm trying phase out with pointless sympathy. My body works like a clock, mechanical or battery operated it doesn't matter, the concept is still the same. Until times runs out or the batteries die, I still go on. Once the juice or the crank stops, I need to be cranked back up or need a switch of power to keep going. Thats when I sleep, I can't choose when this needs to take place.
I can hear the worlds problems outside in the streets, crying because the cold wind blows in there face and they try to find some sort of protection from the wind. I'm on the fence watching and cuddled in a blanket. I wonder if I will join them out there or come back inside and just sleep. I worry too much and my knowledge and personality cooks. Sometimes I don't know who I am anymore, sometimes I don't know if I'm awake or asleep.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Chapter 34: Listen Before You Talk
Today was very slow and unproductive. Waking up at 3:00 in the afternoon is a great definition for laziness. I didn't do too much, until later in the evening. My roomie walked into the kitchen and I was making something to drink. I looked at his face and knew he wanted to talk. Something was really on his mind. He was going through the girl phase, he said he hated that talking the girls has gotten him frustrated and depressed. He doesn't know whats wrong with him. That was just the first layer of this talk. We both had more on our minds. He talked to me about his grandpa passing away and knowing his grandma being all aloned reflected on him because he is all alone. He just wants to have that significant other or girlfriend.
I listened, I didn't want to preach, but I felt like God wanted me to say something. I told him that I've been there and I could relate. I told him that my grandpa also passed away and since then I've always felt alone. I never wanted to die alone. We shared a couple of tears (watery eyes) and before I knew it, we were talking about more than this world. I feel that all the things about having someone or missing something lead to God and having a relationship with him. I'm not the kind of person who wants to pressure someone into doing something so I decided I would hear from him about his connection with God. He said that he went to church and that he thinks he's Methodist. He really doesn't have a clue, he wants to know God, but he doesn't fully understand him. I offered him to come to Cru with me and meet some cool people, he said he will pass. That won't stop me from praying about him though. I'm glad he talked and I got to listen. God always has a plan for everyone, he just needs to invite him in.
I took some time tonight and read from the a book by Francis Chan called Crazy Love. I've read chapter 1, so many times, but I decided to read it again. I've never finished the book. Chapter one is about listening instead of talking. Its good just to realize God for a couple minutes before going to him with prayer. God is amazing if you take the time to think about what he has done. There is a video that I recommend all of you to check out. Its called Just Stop and Think, Chan talks about coming to God and knowing that he always loves us and has forgiven us. All we need is to accept him. I really want you to all check this out, so here is the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRi4VwcrYmA
2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
I listened, I didn't want to preach, but I felt like God wanted me to say something. I told him that I've been there and I could relate. I told him that my grandpa also passed away and since then I've always felt alone. I never wanted to die alone. We shared a couple of tears (watery eyes) and before I knew it, we were talking about more than this world. I feel that all the things about having someone or missing something lead to God and having a relationship with him. I'm not the kind of person who wants to pressure someone into doing something so I decided I would hear from him about his connection with God. He said that he went to church and that he thinks he's Methodist. He really doesn't have a clue, he wants to know God, but he doesn't fully understand him. I offered him to come to Cru with me and meet some cool people, he said he will pass. That won't stop me from praying about him though. I'm glad he talked and I got to listen. God always has a plan for everyone, he just needs to invite him in.
I took some time tonight and read from the a book by Francis Chan called Crazy Love. I've read chapter 1, so many times, but I decided to read it again. I've never finished the book. Chapter one is about listening instead of talking. Its good just to realize God for a couple minutes before going to him with prayer. God is amazing if you take the time to think about what he has done. There is a video that I recommend all of you to check out. Its called Just Stop and Think, Chan talks about coming to God and knowing that he always loves us and has forgiven us. All we need is to accept him. I really want you to all check this out, so here is the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRi4VwcrYmA
2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Chapter 33: Crossroads
I think its important that I get this out tonight. I've reevaluated my life recently. I was told to do it by some random stranger I met playing a league game. She suggested that I list what I like to do and what I know about myself. I started to write down that I'm a believer of God, that I want to make kids happy by making animated movies and that I hope to find the perfect girl before I hit 25. These are just some of the things I have written down. We talked about relationships and I realized that I've never been in one. Sad to say I've never experienced it before. Its not like I don't want to experience it, I just want it to be special and I've already screwed things up before. Its like I'm waiting for that special someone to just walk into my life.
How do you explain to someone that a girl you liked left your college and moved to a private school and recently she has moved back. Its weird to think that wishing she would have a great life wherever she went would lead her back to the campus she began at. God for some reason didn't give her the financial support at this private college and she ends up coming back to the place she left. Is it just a coincidence? She caught me by surprise when she came to visit, I wasn't expecting to see her after a mistake I did in the past. I tend to pour out my feelings and say the wrong things at times when something bad in my life happens, its just something that happens when I'm tired. So anyways I she came when I was at work. She walked up so slow and the thing I would never forget about her is the way she would smile so bright and beautifully. The kind of smile that makes everyone smile and her laugh makes you want to laugh. Its that great thing about her.
I picture myself standing in a field at some crossroads. The gravel beneath my feet and warm fresh air blows through my hair. I look around and feel this great place alive within me. I'm almost out of breath because of the feeling a freedom. The crossroads leads me to four options in my life. On one road, I look towards strange dark clouds and a city off into the distance. Its covered in smog and I can hear rush hour. It gives me this gross inside sick feeling, but something draws me there. I turn to my right and I see my family, they look sad and I suddenly fall and clench my heart and breath is withdrawn. I notice something, my family is a lot younger. My brother is just a little brother and my sister is wearing her 2nd grade pink flower dress. My dad doesn't have the grey hairs in his hair and my mother reminds me of the days I helped her at daycare after I was done with school. My sister open up her hand and she just stares at me with tears in her eyes. They fade and I fall on my back looking north towards the third option. The sky is shining and in its glimmering golden rays sparkles the image of me with two boys. They look so happy and I look happier then ever. A beautiful woman walks up to us and gives us all a big hug. I kiss her on the forehead and she rest her head on my chest. I believe this is the family I want in the future, its always in my dreams. I have two children (most of the time two sons) and a beautiful wife that actually loves me. We are timeless and God has been gracious. I have fully turned my life around and have worked my life to become a man of God. The golden rays drift off as one of my sons waves at me. They are gone, my future self has disappeared. I get on my feet and I look down the last road. I see a beautiful heaven and I'm being called to a lesson with God. He is amazing and he holds me in the palm of his hand. He speaks to me of what I need to do and gives me the breath of being reborn. He tells me the story of the lost son and mentions how similar we are. He reassures me he has a plan and I may be apart of it. He loves me, like no other. He doesn't explain the other options to me because he said I already knew what they meant. He says I've been there before or heading to them soon. Its my story of developing into a better Christian. A Christian who actually believes and actually receives God's unending love.
Everything flashes before my eyes and for a second I'm blind. I can hear, smell, feel and taste the air, but I can't see. For a moment I was blind, but now I see that sight is the weakness in my life. I'm better off being blind to stop the temptation of this world. I can see and I'm sitting in my room, listening to Lost by Red. To explain what I'm like, I refer to this verse Matthew 22:37 "Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind."
Living by this relieves me of my duties as a leader and makes me into a follower of Christ. Without him, nothing matters. God is all powerful and gives us options in life. The four paths meet at one crossroads. We can choose to walk with God or walk with the worldly things, but letting God drive with to a future with him in heaven is the greatest gift of all. We must all remember God died on the cross-roads to give us hope to live with him forever.
How do you explain to someone that a girl you liked left your college and moved to a private school and recently she has moved back. Its weird to think that wishing she would have a great life wherever she went would lead her back to the campus she began at. God for some reason didn't give her the financial support at this private college and she ends up coming back to the place she left. Is it just a coincidence? She caught me by surprise when she came to visit, I wasn't expecting to see her after a mistake I did in the past. I tend to pour out my feelings and say the wrong things at times when something bad in my life happens, its just something that happens when I'm tired. So anyways I she came when I was at work. She walked up so slow and the thing I would never forget about her is the way she would smile so bright and beautifully. The kind of smile that makes everyone smile and her laugh makes you want to laugh. Its that great thing about her.
I picture myself standing in a field at some crossroads. The gravel beneath my feet and warm fresh air blows through my hair. I look around and feel this great place alive within me. I'm almost out of breath because of the feeling a freedom. The crossroads leads me to four options in my life. On one road, I look towards strange dark clouds and a city off into the distance. Its covered in smog and I can hear rush hour. It gives me this gross inside sick feeling, but something draws me there. I turn to my right and I see my family, they look sad and I suddenly fall and clench my heart and breath is withdrawn. I notice something, my family is a lot younger. My brother is just a little brother and my sister is wearing her 2nd grade pink flower dress. My dad doesn't have the grey hairs in his hair and my mother reminds me of the days I helped her at daycare after I was done with school. My sister open up her hand and she just stares at me with tears in her eyes. They fade and I fall on my back looking north towards the third option. The sky is shining and in its glimmering golden rays sparkles the image of me with two boys. They look so happy and I look happier then ever. A beautiful woman walks up to us and gives us all a big hug. I kiss her on the forehead and she rest her head on my chest. I believe this is the family I want in the future, its always in my dreams. I have two children (most of the time two sons) and a beautiful wife that actually loves me. We are timeless and God has been gracious. I have fully turned my life around and have worked my life to become a man of God. The golden rays drift off as one of my sons waves at me. They are gone, my future self has disappeared. I get on my feet and I look down the last road. I see a beautiful heaven and I'm being called to a lesson with God. He is amazing and he holds me in the palm of his hand. He speaks to me of what I need to do and gives me the breath of being reborn. He tells me the story of the lost son and mentions how similar we are. He reassures me he has a plan and I may be apart of it. He loves me, like no other. He doesn't explain the other options to me because he said I already knew what they meant. He says I've been there before or heading to them soon. Its my story of developing into a better Christian. A Christian who actually believes and actually receives God's unending love.
Everything flashes before my eyes and for a second I'm blind. I can hear, smell, feel and taste the air, but I can't see. For a moment I was blind, but now I see that sight is the weakness in my life. I'm better off being blind to stop the temptation of this world. I can see and I'm sitting in my room, listening to Lost by Red. To explain what I'm like, I refer to this verse Matthew 22:37 "Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind."
Living by this relieves me of my duties as a leader and makes me into a follower of Christ. Without him, nothing matters. God is all powerful and gives us options in life. The four paths meet at one crossroads. We can choose to walk with God or walk with the worldly things, but letting God drive with to a future with him in heaven is the greatest gift of all. We must all remember God died on the cross-roads to give us hope to live with him forever.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Chapter 32: Slow Night, All Right
It is another late night on the job. Surprisingly the vent
in the far back echoed loud sounds of clicking and shuttering quite more
noticeably today, causing dust particles to bounce off the metal and float
softly in the air. Business is slow tonight. I've seen one customer. He tapped
the display window with his index and murmured that he wanted four of both the
red and blue text paper. His sweat splattered on the counter and he wiped it
with his sweat drenched shirt. What I would do to get out of here and play some
basketball I quietly wondered to myself. Besides serving the sweaty
customer, I spent my spare time leaned
back in my scratchy cloth chair and casually ate my crunchy bacon cheddar
chips. Tick Tick Tick, groaned the clock
on the wall, reminding me of my freedom to be granted in one hour and also that
my homework awaits me then. I leaned down to my backpack and grabbed the
zipper. The zipper threads were goofed up and it required me to give it a good
tug to get past the broken part. I saw the shadow of delicate hands from the
corner of my eye tap on the glass and it made pleasant clicking sound, similar
to that of tap dancing shoes. I tilted my head to catch her beaming smile.
"Hey,
do you work here?" she asked politely. My eyelids flickered and I automatically
sat straight up. Her vanilla perfume aroma drifted by my nose making it twitch
and tingle. I rubbed my eyes and blinked a little more, doubtful of the image I
saw before me. Her smile was tremendous showing her sparkly white teeth. Her
eyes captivated my attention and unconsciously, my mouth gaped open, lost for
words. Her eyes squinted, then she giggled. She kept smiling and just stared
into my eyes. The clicking and shuttering of the vent faded in and out in the
background. I could not believe she came back. Is this really happening or did
I fall asleep in my chair?
Monday, January 14, 2013
Chapter 31: Pen on Paper
First day of my last semester at college and it makes me happy. I don't think there is a better word to use besides, happy. I'm not glad that its over, but another chapter of my life is coming to an end and I know that God hasn't fully ended my story. He's sent alot of things this week that mean a lot to me. A good friend returned this week back to the college I'm going to, I haven't seen her for over 2 years. It was really nice to see her again. I was looking all over the first day to see if I would run into her or we would have the same class, but I didn't. I was just about to leave my work place and I turned to see someone with a bright smile walking over to me. I was so happy to see her. I gave a great hug and asked how she was doing. She is glad to be back and asked if I grew taller. Haha I'm still 6'3". She misses her old school and I know I would too, but I can already see that this semester is going to be a good one.
I wonder why God created luck? I recently won a kindle fire, I find out that I'm in four classes with my best friend and a girl that I missed has come back. In this case is it luck or fate? I don't think God believes in fate or destiny, but he does hear my prayers even though I haven't been his bright angel. I'm having a turn of thought and I'm willing to change. Its not about any girl or because I want others to think better of me, its because I've finally accepted that my life that I'm living is not glorifying and I worship other idols then God. There is a verse in the bible that goes something like "I shall not have any idols." If I'm living for me, I might as well throw in the towel and give up, but God never has given up on me.
We talked today about judging others and we took notice of students that we thought less of, but reminded ourselves that God is the only judge. Judging others isn't our duty. I can compare myself to those students, the ones that lie, cheat and swear. The type of people that think about girls with an impure mind. I am far from perfect and I've screwed up. When we were all talking, the girl I haven't seen for awhile said this, "We all have a past that we are not proud of and we should never give up or think differently about those who fall." I'm not saying there is a chance with this girl because I don't believe in luck, I believe in God and he will have his way with my life and he will decide if I'm ready to go past friendship. I'm far from ending my story, so thats why this pen will never leave paper.
I wonder why God created luck? I recently won a kindle fire, I find out that I'm in four classes with my best friend and a girl that I missed has come back. In this case is it luck or fate? I don't think God believes in fate or destiny, but he does hear my prayers even though I haven't been his bright angel. I'm having a turn of thought and I'm willing to change. Its not about any girl or because I want others to think better of me, its because I've finally accepted that my life that I'm living is not glorifying and I worship other idols then God. There is a verse in the bible that goes something like "I shall not have any idols." If I'm living for me, I might as well throw in the towel and give up, but God never has given up on me.
We talked today about judging others and we took notice of students that we thought less of, but reminded ourselves that God is the only judge. Judging others isn't our duty. I can compare myself to those students, the ones that lie, cheat and swear. The type of people that think about girls with an impure mind. I am far from perfect and I've screwed up. When we were all talking, the girl I haven't seen for awhile said this, "We all have a past that we are not proud of and we should never give up or think differently about those who fall." I'm not saying there is a chance with this girl because I don't believe in luck, I believe in God and he will have his way with my life and he will decide if I'm ready to go past friendship. I'm far from ending my story, so thats why this pen will never leave paper.
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