Chapter 20: The Sleepless Dream

I wandered my way home tonight. As I got out into the midnight air, I ran for quite awhile, but I only remember the noise and problems from the night. Blue and red lights flash and I turn away, afraid of being seen and seeing possibly my own self ghost stumbling inside that car. I meet some people I know and I feel like there friend for a second, but I'm reminded that I'm not like them in anyway. I walk alone and make sure I get only what I need, some food that I think will get me through the night. The eyes of everyone looking at me pierce my outer shell of a body and intersect who I truly have become; a monster.

I walk in the shadows, alone and taste disappointment. As I run, I try to jump in the shadows and cover myself from thee above and who I know is always looking down. Its been a night of hallucinations in a bottle and beats of the beating drum of death. The songs that played don't describe who I am, but who I for some reason want to be. I feel the bit of happiness, but happiness doesn't fulfill my joy beyond this earthly life. I want to live for something purer; I want to live beyond the clouds in the night sky.

Everyone keeps hearing, "Shots, Shots, Shots," but I wish they would be saying, "God, God, God." Words that were easily said when I was young have been replaced and I feel like I'm drifting in space. These blurry nights don't connect to you at all and every time I feel like I'm falling farther from you. There is room for error if your willing to change, but I don't fall under that statement at all. I keep walking that same dark road and keep on lighting the match that sparks the flames. I wish I could reach that outstretched hand and pull in your grace, but I'm distant like a sleepless dream. I'm tired and feel the tension of distraction and hate. Why did you make me into who I am and why did you have to give me this face? I can still taste the pure sickness in my throat and try to cough, but it only gets sorer as I go. I know you have a plan and I tried to be the one who can take it all, but Lord knows that I can not walk this world alone.

The "Sleepless Dream" doesn't have to be because this gravity brings me back to you. I am held with a the love you have and I fall asleep within your plan of making me the person who I was always meant to be. A warrior, fighting to tell the truth and not lying and spreading theses wildfires. Hold me close away from the drank and all the other sins of this world. I want to battle to live with you.

I was asked why I want to remain a live within God's presence and at the time I couldn't fully answer the question being asked. I realized living without the forgiveness, grace and love God shows us would make living forever not worth it. Though the world may try to bury this man who has the will to chase God till death of him, they can never erase what God did for me. No one can simply forgive you of your pass and love you enough to spend everlasting life in Heaven. For God create all of us in his image and loves us so much that he gave his life, to save the world from themselves. I will not mesh into the world's desire, but desire the one true God who has saved me from my "Sleepless Dream."