Ch. 2: Hunt or Be Hunted

The Grand Job Search. Thought the phrase was a myth, but I have been mistakenly wrong to think of it as that. I have warned you and don't say I never told you, The Job Search is no Myth. It is practically battle of the fittest and hey, I don't usually use cliches, but this cliche just seemed right to use. It has been 2 months and I scrolled up and down, job after job looking for my chance to rightfully pursue my dreams. I've already been to you simplyhired, your indeed and monster. Nothing seems to jump at me and command & conqueror me. Its no simply hire and its a monster of a task to find your future job.

Its like I'm on a safari with lets say 100 men, all wanting to shoot and kill their first elephant. The task of taking down such an animal is far greater than anyone's imagine and to think we all have to compete against each other makes this much more than a task, it makes it a competition of a lifetime. Once one of us has spotted the beast, it will not go unnoticed and if you fail to kill it, you've already lost your chance. I ask myself, what makes you a better hunter than all the rest? Its not what you will do to kill the elephant, but its likely more what skills do you have to take down the prey. Confidence also could come into play and direct us toward are you the Predator or the prey, but that would be too much of a cliche.

Locking down our confidence and focusing on the prey with our cross hairs will bring us to think, is this it? Am I suppose to kill this now or do I wait for something bigger? This elephant is only a baby and would I let everyone know that I'm seeking out to settle for a baby of a task? My job is not going to be childish. I never said I didn't want to make children films, but how am I suppose to reach something I already know I can do? There has to be people out there like me who have the same mindset, they think the job would be a perfect fit for their skills. They seem to be set on having this job and only this job.

Thats why when you are the first to find the mammoth, its best to think and see how others react. The pressure of killing the mammoth of a job in one shot, is disastrous. DON'T be the first to shoot, be the second, third, heck even tenth. Just stay away from number one, people with no talent go number one because they need to make sure their eagerness overshadows their lack of skills.

We just need to be confident, in ourselves, our abilities and with the employer. They will know the best fit for the position. You may never land a job on your first shot. That only means your waiting for bigger and better opportunity in the game of life.

Ch. 1: Dreamers of My Dream

There is so much more to life then wanting a career, but honestly God wants me to use my abilities and talents for something that is greater. I use to dream a lot. As a kid, my imagination had no bounds and seeing the world just one step at a time, stirred up my imagination. I still visualize things in my head from time to time. Mostly I visualize creating new things and imagining if I did them. I keep asking myself, if my dream is too impossible or not for God? I don't think God would give me talent to waste. I would proudly do something with my talent that is in the eyes of God, I wouldn't use it against him.

Its hard to hear that your dream is not practical. To think that dreams are fairy tales and they can never happen, saddens me. The world has lost their own imagination. Our country was built on people with new ideas and seeing how they could change the world. My grandpa today dropped off a letter for me, inside was $500 and a message that said this, "We are so proud of you and we know you will impact the world someday with your great talent and imagination." I thanked him privately. Grandpa told me he was very impressed with what I've done with my talent, he can't wait to see me achieve my dream. It feels good to know that others believe in me too.

God should be the one who receives all praise. I say this now, but I know I will be tempted. Hollywood stars take all the glory and never give it back to the one who gave them their talent. How are they glorifying God everyday? Do they take all the praise? I hope I don't fall into the state of pride. I'm only here because God loves me and wanted me to love him back. He should be the reason why I live and he should be the reason why you live too. Otherwise we've wasted our talents.

 God is the dreamer of my dreams and those dreams will come real someday. Just have to hold on and have faith. God always comes around.

The 2nd Chapter: Intermission

It feels weird being back in the town that I despised as a young high school senior. I was so glad to leave this town, but its weird how I've ended up here again. I don't know how to interact in this environment, my mind and heart is still lost in Fargo. Its not like Fargo was an amazing city, but the speed and the non stop pace was nice. New Ulm is such a still town, quiet like its 5,000 elderly population.

I wake up in the morning, there is milk, bananas, and bread. Even leftovers in the fridge for my lunch. Everything feels given to me and I would rather be on my own. After graduation aren't you suppose to feel like you've achieved something? I feel stuck, knowledge I thought I had isn't there. I feel like I'm almost at step 1 of 1000. Life has hit the wall that won't budge, im trapped in a town I dislike.

The job has come and is to start soon, which will be nice. Hopefully it picks up the pace of this summer before us. All I have to remember is that this part of my life is going to be a low point. I have so much to look forward to. The first chapter of each new beginning in one person's life starts slow and eventually picks up. I just need to find my spot in life.

Chapter 42: A Town to Forget

Its like this, you go to a town to start off fresh, but years past and you become old news. I have to leave this town, everyone knows me too well. Oh I don't mean too well like they actually know me, but everyone has there thoughts about me; opinions, I hate them.

I just need to get out fast. So glad the year is almost done and graduation is around the corner, but hell I'm going home? I don't know what to think of that. I get to hangout with bro who is seeing a girl and my sister who doesn't stop talking about her LOTR boyfriend. I'm stuck in the middle, but I'm the oldest. Worst place to be right now in your life. Depression, exhaustion and stressed. Formula for a burnout.

Oh after I get done with graduation, I get to go to a cabin with my family. It better be fun, thats all I got to say.

Chapter 41: Today Won't Be Tomorrow

You have the one good night, you feel untouchable, you feel above the world for the moment and you want it to last for an eternity. This moment gives you wings and fears turn to flight. You soar above anything that tries to bring you down to the ground. You are struck though, with a bullet of ending.

Time to move on, friends are moving along as well. You sit at the bar with your best friend and he begins to let you know how much the last couple of years have meant to him, you feel the same way. I almost wish that I could relive junior year, but its too perfect to touch. It needs to be left as is, perfect and memorable. Water drops crawl in his eyes and he knows this may be the last year we have. Four more weeks and we will be far apart, the distance that will separate us. I promise him, I will never forget these past years and we will always have a great friendship, but I know as time will go on, we will become memories.

Today was a good day, but tomorrow will be the day I remember yesterday. A memory that will stay pure and preserved forever.

Chapter 40: Slow Moving, Good Sign

We all expect to have the perfect life. Sure we have our own views at what a perfect life is, but we all have that dream of a life. Do you want that perfect job? Or that wife with the three little rascals? We take action everyday to further our dream, we got this big fishing net ready to catch that fish at any moment. On the edge of our seats waiting for that moment. Always aware and ready, but its all talk until you do something.

Are you satisfied with your life? Never think you can just switch it up and chase someone else's dream life. We are all meant to do something great thats for sure. Have you found what you suppose to do with your life? Some people are just given that high school dream heart that they are with for the rest of their life and some are happy, others not so much. The difference? People rush things and chase. When you chase, your desires is what it is, desires, wants not needs. Wouldn't you rather be happy your whole life instead of being happy just for the moment?

You probably expect me to be happy with my life since I'm talking on this subject, but thats not the case. I look at my life and write to reflect through questions and experiences I encounter on a unknown journey. Would you want everything to be laid down in front of you and given everything you want? Surprise gets killed by anxious thoughts and wants. I was asked, do you know what you want? Do you know yourself enough to get to know someone else? I told her yes, I know who I am. I thought it was a stupid question, but now I reflect on it. I am a guy who wants a family? I want kids? I want to become a legend?

Are these my actual goals? Or did they simply get slipped in by everyone else that I have connection with? Seriously I can't support a family off a student salary. Someday I will be able to support a family and love them and go to my son\daughter's sporting events. I look forward and dream about that day, but I don't need to act on it now. Whats the rush?

Slow is patient, fast is now. Graduation coming up scares me, it does and its coming up way too fast. I stress out, but this is what I need. I need to get my stuff together and I don't have time for the wants right now (gf, games, drinking). Slow and steady wins the race and that race shouldn't stop till your time. I think sometimes God hates me. Fact is, hes protecting me. He hasn't thrown me under the bus or into a situation I can't handle with his help. Sometimes taking it slow with every aspect of life is what we all need to just do.

Chapter 39: Ocean of Doubt

Its weird how many doors we close in our lifetime. Some doors stay closed for just a week, others take years to open. Some doors are sealed shut. We are always looking for something on the other side of those openings, hoping we find what we are searching for. Each door needs a key and sometimes keys get lost or stolen and sometimes forgotten. We like to drop them in cushions or hide them under a mat. We let others know there is a key there hoping they will open the door, but they don't. People just don't care for certain things like yourself. We all have different wants, desires and needs, somethings we care for and others we just push aside. Feelings get messed up and twirled in a bowl of confusion and uncertainty. After the bowl stops from being stirred, we are left alone and unconscious.

I know I'm not alone on the deserted island, there are many of you like me. We fall off the boat and get brought to this shore, we've gone missing. We hope someone will sail across the sea to come looking for us, but many islands surround us and the sea is a vast dark mass. Most of us don't make it to shore, we lose hope and drown in it. We get buried and aren't found for many years.

The island is where I am at. Its cold many nights and its hard to find something satisfying to call home for the night. We have many of these nights and some nights we don't bother sleeping, we think. Will I ever be discovered? Or will I be that treasure that gets buried for many years? When will I get rescued? The ocean breeze of mystification.

Chapter 38: Taking Pain so You Don't

I see you every day at school, we are young but I know I love you. Every time I talk to you my heart beats fast my mouth goes dry my heart aches for you. It hurts to love you so much. I wish you knew. I’m to afraid to tell you how i feel. – Libby Hinrichs

This is how I feel. I can't seem to get it across and I've never been in a relationship that has last more then a season's change. Snowfall is more common then I remember and I still only can think of you. You ask why I love? Its because I care, I care too much and I care more because you don't understand. I'm the nicest guy you will know and you choose to remind yourself of all the guys that have treated you wrong. I'm that hero in the night that will watch over and do what I can to save you from the enemy. A sad song plays and repeats, I listen to it because it reminds me of the one person I could not save. I hear the echo of tears and know those who cried for the man I called my inspiration and friend. He watched me when I played with legos and saw me when I graduated at my high school. He has been there with me everyday and he is still watching over me as I live. Live the word meaning so many things, but know one can truly understand what they mean to me. The experiences and feelings that go along with witnessing tragedy and happiness, only means so much to me. No one will know what makes me smile because they don't care about the man that is so much like a brother they never had. I'm too nice they said, so I changed and now I'm the bad guy. I can take on all the hatred or damaging words they may throw. I'm a mirror that has been shattered and put back together to become shattered again. I will be whatever you need me to be at the time because I care too much.

Chapter 37: Forgotten Dweller

Her laugh penetrates my ears that are already bleeding. I dreamed of her last night and the image of her smile and laugh has branded my mind. Still healing, but maybe I'm not, maybe I'm bleeding out in pain. I know that laugh will never be mine, Satan has invaded my dreams and the desire has been planted, I long for peace. I need to get the fuck out, which door is closer and will make me escape here faster? I want to just be free. This running away is endless and my feet are no longer sore, they bleed. The kicks I had are long gone and forgotten, I'm just skin and bones. I bleed inside and out and forgot what sleep feels like. To sink in soft space and gaze into blackness is alien to me. My sights never clearer and my lungs never thicker. All is just a devil's dream, controlled and replaying the failures and wrong doings. Desiring her is more now and I know its not God. For God wants me to stay pure and clear of her innocence because I haven't dwelled among the pure for quite sometime.

Windows 8 Commerical

Hey readers, I would like to take a small break from the chapters and give you a little sneak peak of what I've been up to lately. I did a commercial for Microsoft on the new Windows 8 Phone, check it out and see! Video Below:

I hope you enjoy and I will come out with the next chapter in a few weeks. Lots of stuff has been going on and I have to organize my thoughts.

Chapter 36: The Days are Running Out

I never thought I would see the day that would go so fast that its already the next. Best friend's birthday has come and gone, now its just another week. Days go by way too fast and I can hardly do anything with it. Have you ever played the Sims? All you do is create a life for your sim and the days go by fast and they grow up and get married and have kids etc. I think sometimes if the day is going to go fast, at least give me excitement or reason to go onto the day. Time is running out and I don't know what to say to her. She won't return my text messages and we only see each other to say hi, thats all. Its like you know this one is the right one because she makes you feel happier and glad to be yourself. To her is the best thing thats has happened.

Its these nights though that last way too long and I have second thoughts about this crush I have. I become serious and realize that life doesn't always go your way. I'm filled in with wants and a feeling that makes people laugh when they hear it. Is it real? I want to find out before my days here at college run out and I never get to see if there is something here.

I feel my heart is walking on thin ice and its about to crack. I'm going to go nub from the ice cold water.

Chapter 35: Insomnia

I've been heading into nights trying to sleep when the stars shine at their brightest, but I can't relax and start the slumber. I find that I can't sleep, like my body won't let me. Maybe its because something is hanging on to my thoughts and for some reason I haven't let go of it yet. Its like a dark pain that keeps on punching me in the chest and every breath makes it impossible to survive. I never give up I just bare it and hope one day I can forget the pain. It would almost come as a routine and I would never be reminded, it would just happen.

I can't sleep, try shutting my eyes, but the mind is not ready to shut off. My mind never wants to stop thinking and makes me worry, how do I live like this? I can tell myself it will be ok and someday it will, but right now its just a lie that I'm trying phase out with pointless sympathy. My body works like a clock, mechanical or battery operated it doesn't matter, the concept is still the same. Until times runs out or the batteries die, I still go on. Once the juice or the crank stops, I need to be cranked back up or need a switch of power to keep going. Thats when I sleep, I can't choose when this needs to take place.

I can hear the worlds problems outside in the streets, crying because the cold wind blows in there face and they try to find some sort of protection from the wind. I'm on the fence watching and cuddled in a blanket. I wonder if I will join them out there or come back inside and just sleep. I worry too much and my knowledge and personality cooks. Sometimes I don't know who I am anymore, sometimes I don't know if I'm awake or asleep.

Chapter 34: Listen Before You Talk

Today was very slow and unproductive. Waking up at 3:00 in the afternoon is a great definition for laziness. I didn't do too much, until later in the evening. My roomie walked into the kitchen and I was making something to drink. I looked at his face and knew he wanted to talk. Something was really on his mind. He was going through the girl phase, he said he hated that talking the girls has gotten him frustrated and depressed. He doesn't know whats wrong with him. That was just the first layer of this talk. We both had more on our minds. He talked to me about his grandpa passing away and knowing his grandma being all aloned reflected on him because he is all alone. He just wants to have that significant other or girlfriend.

I listened, I didn't want to preach, but I felt like God wanted me to say something. I told him that I've been there and I could relate. I told him that my grandpa also passed away and since then I've always felt alone. I never wanted to die alone. We shared a couple of tears (watery eyes) and before I knew it, we were talking about more than this world. I feel that all the things about having someone or missing something lead to God and having a relationship with him. I'm not the kind of person who wants to pressure someone into doing something so I decided I would hear from him about his connection with God. He said that he went to church and that he thinks he's Methodist. He really doesn't have a clue, he wants to know God, but he doesn't fully understand him. I offered him to come to Cru with me and meet some cool people, he said he will pass. That won't stop me from praying about him though. I'm glad he talked and I got to listen. God always has a plan for everyone, he just needs to invite him in.

I took some time tonight and read from the a book by Francis Chan called Crazy Love. I've read chapter 1, so many times, but I decided to read it again. I've never finished the book. Chapter one is about listening instead of talking. Its good just to realize God for a couple minutes before going to him with prayer. God is amazing if you take the time to think about what he has done. There is a video that I recommend all of you to check out. Its called Just Stop and Think, Chan talks about coming to God and knowing that he always loves us and has forgiven us. All we need is to accept him. I really want you to all check this out, so here is the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRi4VwcrYmA

2 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore, if  anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

Chapter 33: Crossroads

I think its important that I get this out tonight. I've reevaluated my life recently. I was told to do it by some random stranger I met playing a league game. She suggested that I list what I like to do and what I know about myself. I started to write down that I'm a believer of God, that I want to make kids happy by making animated movies and that I hope to find the perfect girl before I hit 25. These are just some of the things I have written down. We talked about relationships and I realized that I've never been in one. Sad to say I've never experienced it before. Its not like I don't want to experience it, I just want it to be special and I've already screwed things up before. Its like I'm waiting for that special someone to just walk into my life.

How do you explain to someone that a girl you liked left your college and moved to a private school and recently she has moved back. Its weird to think that wishing she would have a great life wherever she went would lead her back to the campus she began at. God for some reason didn't give her the financial support at this private college and she ends up coming back to the place she left. Is it just a coincidence? She caught me by surprise when she came to visit, I wasn't expecting to see her after a mistake I did in the past. I tend to pour out my feelings and say the wrong things at times when something bad in my life happens, its just something that happens when I'm tired. So anyways I she came when I was at work. She walked up so slow and the thing I would never forget about her is the way she would smile so bright and beautifully. The kind of smile that makes everyone smile and her laugh makes you want to laugh. Its that great thing about her.

I picture myself standing in a field at some crossroads. The gravel beneath my feet and warm fresh air blows through my hair. I look around and feel this great place alive within me. I'm almost out of breath because of the feeling a freedom. The crossroads leads me to four options in my life. On one road, I look towards strange dark clouds and a city off into the distance. Its covered in smog and I can hear rush hour. It gives me this gross inside sick feeling, but something draws me there. I turn to my right and I see my family, they look sad and I suddenly fall and clench my heart and breath is withdrawn. I notice something, my family is a lot younger. My brother is just a little brother and my sister is wearing her 2nd grade pink flower dress. My dad doesn't have the grey hairs in his hair and my mother reminds me of the days I helped her at daycare after I was done with school. My sister open up her hand and she just stares at me with tears in her eyes. They fade and I fall on my back looking north towards the third option. The sky is shining and in its glimmering golden rays sparkles the image of me with two boys. They look so happy and I look happier then ever. A beautiful woman walks up to us and gives us all a big hug. I kiss her on the forehead and she rest her head on my chest. I believe this is the family I want in the future, its always in my dreams. I have two children (most of the time two sons) and a beautiful wife that actually loves me. We are timeless and God has been gracious. I have fully turned my life around and have worked my life to become a man of God. The golden rays drift off as one of my sons waves at me. They are gone, my future self has disappeared. I get on my feet and I look down the last road. I see a beautiful heaven and I'm being called to a lesson with God. He is amazing and he holds me in the palm of his hand. He speaks to me of what I need to do and gives me the breath of being reborn. He tells me the story of the lost son and mentions how similar we are. He reassures me he has a plan and I may be apart of it. He loves me, like no other. He doesn't explain the other options to me because he said I already knew what they meant. He says I've been there before or heading to them soon. Its my story of developing into a better Christian. A Christian who actually believes and actually receives God's unending love.

Everything flashes before my eyes and for a second I'm blind. I can hear, smell, feel and taste the air, but I can't see. For a moment I was blind, but now I see that sight is the weakness in my life. I'm better off being blind to stop the temptation of this world. I can see and I'm sitting in my room, listening to Lost by Red. To explain what I'm like, I refer to this verse Matthew 22:37 "Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind."

Living by this relieves me of my duties as a leader and makes me into a follower of Christ. Without him, nothing matters. God is all powerful and gives us options in life. The four paths meet at one crossroads. We can choose to walk with God or walk with the worldly things, but letting God drive with to a future with him in heaven is the greatest gift of all. We must all remember God died on the cross-roads to give us hope to live with him forever.

Chapter 32: Slow Night, All Right

                It is another late night on the job. Surprisingly the vent in the far back echoed loud sounds of clicking and shuttering quite more noticeably today, causing dust particles to bounce off the metal and float softly in the air. Business is slow tonight. I've seen one customer. He tapped the display window with his index and murmured that he wanted four of both the red and blue text paper. His sweat splattered on the counter and he wiped it with his sweat drenched shirt. What I would do to get out of here and play some basketball I quietly wondered to myself. Besides serving the sweaty customer,  I spent my spare time leaned back in my scratchy cloth chair and casually ate my crunchy bacon cheddar chips.  Tick Tick Tick, groaned the clock on the wall, reminding me of my freedom to be granted in one hour and also that my homework awaits me then. I leaned down to my backpack and grabbed the zipper. The zipper threads were goofed up and it required me to give it a good tug to get past the broken part. I saw the shadow of delicate hands from the corner of my eye tap on the glass and it made pleasant clicking sound, similar to that of tap dancing shoes. I tilted my head to catch her beaming smile.

                "Hey, do you work here?" she asked politely. My eyelids flickered and I automatically sat straight up. Her vanilla perfume aroma drifted by my nose making it twitch and tingle. I rubbed my eyes and blinked a little more, doubtful of the image I saw before me. Her smile was tremendous showing her sparkly white teeth. Her eyes captivated my attention and unconsciously, my mouth gaped open, lost for words. Her eyes squinted, then she giggled. She kept smiling and just stared into my eyes. The clicking and shuttering of the vent faded in and out in the background. I could not believe she came back. Is this really happening or did I fall asleep in my chair?

Chapter 31: Pen on Paper

First day of my last semester at college and it makes me happy. I don't think there is a better word to use besides, happy. I'm not glad that its over, but another chapter of my life is coming to an end and I know that God hasn't fully ended my story. He's sent alot of things this week that mean a lot to me. A good friend returned this week back to the college I'm going to, I haven't seen her for over 2 years. It was really nice to see her again. I was looking all over the first day to see if I would run into her or we would have the same class, but I didn't. I was just about to leave my work place and I turned to see someone with a bright smile walking over to me. I was so happy to see her. I gave a great hug and asked how she was doing. She is glad to be back and asked if I grew taller. Haha I'm still 6'3". She misses her old school and I know I would too, but I can already see that this semester is going to be a good one.

I wonder why God created luck? I recently won a kindle fire, I find out that I'm in four classes with my best friend and a girl that I missed has come back. In this case is it luck or fate? I don't think God believes in fate or destiny, but he does hear my prayers even though I haven't been his bright angel. I'm having a turn of thought and I'm willing to change. Its not about any girl or because I want others to think better of me, its because I've finally accepted that my life that I'm living is not glorifying and I worship other idols then God. There is a verse in the bible that goes something like "I shall not have any idols." If I'm living for me, I might as well throw in the towel and give up, but God never has given up on me.

We talked today about judging others and we took notice of students that we thought less of, but reminded ourselves that God is the only judge. Judging others isn't our duty. I can compare myself to those students, the ones that lie, cheat and swear. The type of people that think about girls with an impure mind. I am far from perfect and I've screwed up. When we were all talking, the girl I haven't seen for awhile said this, "We all have a past that we are not proud of and we should never give up or think differently about those who fall." I'm not saying there is a chance with this girl because I don't believe in luck, I believe in God and he will have his way with my life and he will decide if I'm ready to go past friendship. I'm far from ending my story, so thats why this pen will never leave paper.