Chapter 40: Slow Moving, Good Sign

We all expect to have the perfect life. Sure we have our own views at what a perfect life is, but we all have that dream of a life. Do you want that perfect job? Or that wife with the three little rascals? We take action everyday to further our dream, we got this big fishing net ready to catch that fish at any moment. On the edge of our seats waiting for that moment. Always aware and ready, but its all talk until you do something.

Are you satisfied with your life? Never think you can just switch it up and chase someone else's dream life. We are all meant to do something great thats for sure. Have you found what you suppose to do with your life? Some people are just given that high school dream heart that they are with for the rest of their life and some are happy, others not so much. The difference? People rush things and chase. When you chase, your desires is what it is, desires, wants not needs. Wouldn't you rather be happy your whole life instead of being happy just for the moment?

You probably expect me to be happy with my life since I'm talking on this subject, but thats not the case. I look at my life and write to reflect through questions and experiences I encounter on a unknown journey. Would you want everything to be laid down in front of you and given everything you want? Surprise gets killed by anxious thoughts and wants. I was asked, do you know what you want? Do you know yourself enough to get to know someone else? I told her yes, I know who I am. I thought it was a stupid question, but now I reflect on it. I am a guy who wants a family? I want kids? I want to become a legend?

Are these my actual goals? Or did they simply get slipped in by everyone else that I have connection with? Seriously I can't support a family off a student salary. Someday I will be able to support a family and love them and go to my son\daughter's sporting events. I look forward and dream about that day, but I don't need to act on it now. Whats the rush?

Slow is patient, fast is now. Graduation coming up scares me, it does and its coming up way too fast. I stress out, but this is what I need. I need to get my stuff together and I don't have time for the wants right now (gf, games, drinking). Slow and steady wins the race and that race shouldn't stop till your time. I think sometimes God hates me. Fact is, hes protecting me. He hasn't thrown me under the bus or into a situation I can't handle with his help. Sometimes taking it slow with every aspect of life is what we all need to just do.

Chapter 39: Ocean of Doubt

Its weird how many doors we close in our lifetime. Some doors stay closed for just a week, others take years to open. Some doors are sealed shut. We are always looking for something on the other side of those openings, hoping we find what we are searching for. Each door needs a key and sometimes keys get lost or stolen and sometimes forgotten. We like to drop them in cushions or hide them under a mat. We let others know there is a key there hoping they will open the door, but they don't. People just don't care for certain things like yourself. We all have different wants, desires and needs, somethings we care for and others we just push aside. Feelings get messed up and twirled in a bowl of confusion and uncertainty. After the bowl stops from being stirred, we are left alone and unconscious.

I know I'm not alone on the deserted island, there are many of you like me. We fall off the boat and get brought to this shore, we've gone missing. We hope someone will sail across the sea to come looking for us, but many islands surround us and the sea is a vast dark mass. Most of us don't make it to shore, we lose hope and drown in it. We get buried and aren't found for many years.

The island is where I am at. Its cold many nights and its hard to find something satisfying to call home for the night. We have many of these nights and some nights we don't bother sleeping, we think. Will I ever be discovered? Or will I be that treasure that gets buried for many years? When will I get rescued? The ocean breeze of mystification.

Chapter 38: Taking Pain so You Don't

I see you every day at school, we are young but I know I love you. Every time I talk to you my heart beats fast my mouth goes dry my heart aches for you. It hurts to love you so much. I wish you knew. I’m to afraid to tell you how i feel. – Libby Hinrichs

This is how I feel. I can't seem to get it across and I've never been in a relationship that has last more then a season's change. Snowfall is more common then I remember and I still only can think of you. You ask why I love? Its because I care, I care too much and I care more because you don't understand. I'm the nicest guy you will know and you choose to remind yourself of all the guys that have treated you wrong. I'm that hero in the night that will watch over and do what I can to save you from the enemy. A sad song plays and repeats, I listen to it because it reminds me of the one person I could not save. I hear the echo of tears and know those who cried for the man I called my inspiration and friend. He watched me when I played with legos and saw me when I graduated at my high school. He has been there with me everyday and he is still watching over me as I live. Live the word meaning so many things, but know one can truly understand what they mean to me. The experiences and feelings that go along with witnessing tragedy and happiness, only means so much to me. No one will know what makes me smile because they don't care about the man that is so much like a brother they never had. I'm too nice they said, so I changed and now I'm the bad guy. I can take on all the hatred or damaging words they may throw. I'm a mirror that has been shattered and put back together to become shattered again. I will be whatever you need me to be at the time because I care too much.

Chapter 37: Forgotten Dweller

Her laugh penetrates my ears that are already bleeding. I dreamed of her last night and the image of her smile and laugh has branded my mind. Still healing, but maybe I'm not, maybe I'm bleeding out in pain. I know that laugh will never be mine, Satan has invaded my dreams and the desire has been planted, I long for peace. I need to get the fuck out, which door is closer and will make me escape here faster? I want to just be free. This running away is endless and my feet are no longer sore, they bleed. The kicks I had are long gone and forgotten, I'm just skin and bones. I bleed inside and out and forgot what sleep feels like. To sink in soft space and gaze into blackness is alien to me. My sights never clearer and my lungs never thicker. All is just a devil's dream, controlled and replaying the failures and wrong doings. Desiring her is more now and I know its not God. For God wants me to stay pure and clear of her innocence because I haven't dwelled among the pure for quite sometime.