Chapter 20: The Sleepless Dream

I wandered my way home tonight. As I got out into the midnight air, I ran for quite awhile, but I only remember the noise and problems from the night. Blue and red lights flash and I turn away, afraid of being seen and seeing possibly my own self ghost stumbling inside that car. I meet some people I know and I feel like there friend for a second, but I'm reminded that I'm not like them in anyway. I walk alone and make sure I get only what I need, some food that I think will get me through the night. The eyes of everyone looking at me pierce my outer shell of a body and intersect who I truly have become; a monster.

I walk in the shadows, alone and taste disappointment. As I run, I try to jump in the shadows and cover myself from thee above and who I know is always looking down. Its been a night of hallucinations in a bottle and beats of the beating drum of death. The songs that played don't describe who I am, but who I for some reason want to be. I feel the bit of happiness, but happiness doesn't fulfill my joy beyond this earthly life. I want to live for something purer; I want to live beyond the clouds in the night sky.

Everyone keeps hearing, "Shots, Shots, Shots," but I wish they would be saying, "God, God, God." Words that were easily said when I was young have been replaced and I feel like I'm drifting in space. These blurry nights don't connect to you at all and every time I feel like I'm falling farther from you. There is room for error if your willing to change, but I don't fall under that statement at all. I keep walking that same dark road and keep on lighting the match that sparks the flames. I wish I could reach that outstretched hand and pull in your grace, but I'm distant like a sleepless dream. I'm tired and feel the tension of distraction and hate. Why did you make me into who I am and why did you have to give me this face? I can still taste the pure sickness in my throat and try to cough, but it only gets sorer as I go. I know you have a plan and I tried to be the one who can take it all, but Lord knows that I can not walk this world alone.

The "Sleepless Dream" doesn't have to be because this gravity brings me back to you. I am held with a the love you have and I fall asleep within your plan of making me the person who I was always meant to be. A warrior, fighting to tell the truth and not lying and spreading theses wildfires. Hold me close away from the drank and all the other sins of this world. I want to battle to live with you.

I was asked why I want to remain a live within God's presence and at the time I couldn't fully answer the question being asked. I realized living without the forgiveness, grace and love God shows us would make living forever not worth it. Though the world may try to bury this man who has the will to chase God till death of him, they can never erase what God did for me. No one can simply forgive you of your pass and love you enough to spend everlasting life in Heaven. For God create all of us in his image and loves us so much that he gave his life, to save the world from themselves. I will not mesh into the world's desire, but desire the one true God who has saved me from my "Sleepless Dream."

Chapter 19: The Last Year

College started up this week again. I had to do a lot to get prepared for the start of school and for everyone else who started school this week. There are a ton of freshman, I remember when I was a freshman. I was excited to start off fresh, with new people and new classes. I couldn't wait to start 3D modeling and now I can't wait for school to just come to a close. I will say that it terrifies me to know that I will need to look for a job in my field in one year. I have had plenty of jobs, but I haven't experienced what it feels like to get a job in my major. Will I soon begin to hate what I am doing? Half of me is excited and the other half is just wondering if there are jobs out there after college, which gets me thinking if I should ever stop learning at college in the first place. I've had recent thoughts about writing, but I feel that I couldn't make a living off that and soon I would also hate writing as a career.

The last year gets me thinking about what I should do? Do I party hard and stay up late or should I accomplish everything with excellence and hit the books hard? You only get to go through you're senior year once and I find it hard to believe that I'm already a senior. I feel like I'm not really prepared to get a job. So it gets me thinking that I need to learn more this year then I have the past three years. Right about now I could be writing about why I am a graphic communications student or writing about my final project proposal, but instead I feel like I need to set that aside and think about what the future might be about.

I've already discussed to everyone in the world that I have "connections" to Dreamworks Animaitons Studios in CA, but really I'm just as far away from my dream job as everyone else. I think the word that best describes what I could do is "try". I could at least try to make an effort to push me to accomplish great things, but I just don't know if trying is all it takes. I never try, I only think and tell about what I want to do and I never get to doing the things I talk about. I think I would be a great visionary and brain stormer in a business. I could tell everyone what we should do and then they would do it for me. Which now brings me to the status of "Lazy". Yes at the end of all this I feel lazy and distracted. I'm caught up with a lot of games and people who constantly ask me to hangout or play me. I still have great ideas and creations I would like to make and develop, but they are quickly floating away. I need to refocus and conqueror this last year. I feel like seniors always get the same thought, "Last year, better party it up hard because its gonna be the last time I can." Their last statement is true because if they party it up hard the last year and don't focus on the things that are important to them, they will become the guy that has to work hard all the time and have no future fun. See I think we will always be allowed to party in the future and college is just another step towards doing greater and more exciting things.

The last year for me is about defining who I want to be and where I want to travel. My actions will build up new adventures for me and I get to choose if I want them to be amazing or depressing. My goal has always been to become a director within the walls of motion picture and this last year will sky rocket me towards that dream that I had when I was just twelve years old. Senior year meet your future director of animation!

Chapter 18: The Storm has Passed

I know it has been awhile. Truth is I was lacking inspiration and I had the world's problems on my shoulders. The summer has been great, but it could have been better. Oh its not the classes that are killing me, it was my ex-roomie. We gave him several names, but the one that best describes him is "The Child". See parents teach their kids to be responsible, respectful and reliable. The three R's make us into a more rounded individual. My roomie was not that rounded; he was a triangle. He was terrible, threatening and most of all toxic. When he was home, it was as if toxic waste fell in and burned any good thought of being in our new apartment. My other roomie referred to him as a waste of space, which led to his name "Toxic Waste". 

He was a special kid. The outward appearance of a nerd/outcast gave of an aroma of unwanted. It was sad, he had no friends. Shortly after being friends with him he would yell at me, insult my beliefs and friends. He pushed me too far which led to his downfall. We kicked him out.

He said hell would break lose, but I knew he was all talk. Like when he said he was going to get a new job, he never did. He also talked about paying us back for stuff, which led to 2 months of waiting and nagging on him to give us the money. He paid us back, but he did it with an attitude. He said it was time for hardball; war. I said, "IF you play this game, you will lose. You don't know how to play hardball." He was filled with so much hatred that he didn't think at this game. The turnout of the game only pointed to him losing and thats what happened. He left with tears in his eyes and being unwanted, alone and depressed. 

He threatened us that he would commit suicide and we told him not to joke about that. We could hear him talk about how much he hated us as he left that rainy Friday. It was almost as if the storm clouds cried with him. As soon as he left, the clouds parted and a beautiful rainbow appeared and the sunset was amazing. The storm has passed I told my other roommate and now we can do what we have to do this last year of school. We have outlasted hell itself.

We joke time to time about the old rot that use to live among us. I would like to get a shirt thats says, "Hey Dude, Guess What?" because my roommate would say, "He's gone! We won!" We laugh about all the childish things he said to us and things he tried to get back at us. He was a friend, but now hes my enemy. As long as I live, I will remember this adventure as the toughest and most stressful thing in my life.

I can finally for once see the good in life and I can look forward to my last year in college. Senior Baby!