Chapter 30: Space Bound

Just chillin in the lab after a successful day at the film screenings. It looks like some people do like my scene from Donnie Brasco. I'm glad that I could make some people happy, I still look at it and wish I could change somethings. The director is never fully pleased with their films, never. Thats the way it is and you gotta just move onto the next project. I got this Eminem craving, I've been listening everything from Like Toy Soldiers to Real Slim Shady to Space Bound. Space Bound has clinched my attention and I can't get it out of my head.

Thinking about this song, I'm not sure if I fear being burnt or dumped. Thing is I've never actually felt it before. I've had my emotions toyed with before though, that shit hurts. Girls make you feel like your worth something, but in all reality they just want to get from you what they want and ditch you. Its either me or the girls I'm pursuing and I already know its not me. Girls are mean, well most. I just never get a chance at girls that are nice, they are apart of a different world.

I can't crash land there because I've been labeled as a bad person. The rumors and stories people spread about me are false and people are so quick to judge, they will never get to know me as a cool, friendly and honest guy. I feel shut out and outcasted at times. My old roomie recently got a girlfriend and he hasn't done shit to get her. Like I even told him that he shouldn't give up on her and he should at least hangout with her cause shes cool. He almost let it die, but last second they got back together and know hes happy. I wish it was that easy to take off in a relationship like that.

I wish girls would just forgive me of my past and allow me to show how good of a man I can be. These dreams about having something of a life tear into me bit by bit. I'm taking it because I can handle it, but it slowly kills me.

A girl today talked about the fear of death. She said why am I doing all this stuff and in the end I know that I'll die and it won't matter. It will all just go to waste and I'll be forgotten. Whats the point? I was thinking God is the only reason why I'm here, but I also want to have a wife and raise a family. I want to achieve so much, does that make me selfish? Does that label me not a follower of God because I want to have a family and a career? I feel like everyone expects me to drop everything and kill all my dreams that God has given me. I feel like they are too insane for God that they end up just judging the people that don't do what they do. What makes them so much better of a person than me? They only do it to glorify themselves. No one does it purely to glorify God, everyone has a "Look at me" attitude will they try to do good in God's eyes.

I feel distant from them, not distant from God. I believe there is a girl out there that will understand me and love God and I. I don't need that girl who is going to breath down my neck and tell me I'm doing wrong when they don't know what I've gone through or who I am to begin with. Don't you dare point that finger, you've been there too. I may be several galaxies different then you, but that doesn't mean we can't be together. I just want you to understand my life and love me for how much I love God and family. Past is behind us and I'm soaring into a new life of meaning and that special someone can join me, otherwise get out of my way because I'm not wasting my life.

Chapter 29: I'm no Superhero

After picking my friend up to do a test and dropping him back off at home, I was driving down main street when the most odd thing happened. Man in a SUV doesn't see the red light and tries to stop at the last second. The the street is covered in black ice and he slides. The woman in a green Taurus takes a hit as she crosses the street, she spins and hes spins too. His car smacks into another car in the other lane and now three cars are in the accident. I saw this all and got out of my car. I run up to the the man in the SUV and ask if hes ok. He shakes his head. I see hes got a bruise and couple cuts, but nothing too bad. A cop comes onto the scene and I'm helping out the people of the crash with a couple of other guys. Other by standers just watch as we get the people out of the car and help them walk around. They give me that look of "Wow your a good guy, your like a superhero."

Um hold up. Superhero? Nah nah that ain't me. Do they even know what I fail at in life? All they see is a guy helping out some victims of a crash. They don't know that I can't hold a relationship to save my life or that I'm struggling in some classes at the local college. No they don't know me like that, but I guess thats how superheros are looked at. We have no backstory that people know because they will never know us personally. They only know what they see, a figure trying to do what is right.

So does that make me more than a man? Nah, it makes me what everyone else should have done. We all have a little bit of hero in us. We just afraid to stand up and do something. We let others do what we should have done. Help a friend or family member this Holiday with something. Be kind to your enemies and become the White Knight, while I roam in the Black.

Chapter 28: The Dream's Tell Me

Long time ago, I dreamt of a man and a women who lived in a house and they were very happy. They love each other and their two kids. I was the man and the women I couldn't tell. I only know she had blonde hair. I couldn't see the face, it was blank and my two kids had blank faces too. Scary right? Let me remind you of my past and when I began to have visions.

Sometimes when I dream, they happen. I know it sounds weird and unrealistic, but i really do believe deja vu or dreams can happen and exist. I just wonder who is that girl in the blonder hair. Everything is so dependent on her, she is the key to the whole scene. If I could only understand and figure out what I need to do to get to her, but I'm lost. Girls only want a douche, they don't want a nice guy/friend. They always searching and should just look around for once and see the friend that has always been there. I can't believe that when they have their broken hearts, they cry and ask what happened? You were with a total douche, what you expect? I never deal with that shit. I move on and try to find that one decent girl that wants me. Does she exist or she just in my dreams? The ultimate journey is finding that one girl for you.

Tell you the truth I never had a girl friend. Thats right, all the girls you think that I know or get with are just friends. I'm not saying I haven't been with a girl, but I've never had a stable relationship with a girl before. The reason I don't know, but maybe its because I'm red headed. I know this will sound depressing and in fact it maybe to a certain extent, but girls just don't want red hair. Sometimes they think it would be something different, but mostly it doesn't work like that. No girl likes a guy with red hair. Not even girls who crazy about redheads, they only want to get with one and see how it is. After they know, they can go tell their friends. I know your thinking this is some deep shit and it is, but you must understand that even redhead girls don't want redhead guys. They don't want what they already have, unless they are fuckin psycho.

We just live in an era where the cute girls are taken and the ugos and hotties are not. Ugos for their look and the hotties because they are bitches. Know one wants to here a whiny ass bitch, but that is whats left and if you don't want to be alone, there is always that option. Its not tasteful though, you will get hurt either way. So why can't I find you?

I find my self searching within the people I never trusted and never wanted to see myself as. I have my crushes and I don't think that any of them could be the one. I puzzled and my vision clouded with a storm. I feel tossed around in a sea where I can't find the right way to you. My heart sinks like titanic and I'm becoming colder than ever before. Sometimes I feel like the end should just happen, but to never love would be the worst feeling I figure. I want to care for someone more than just myself, where is the pure blonde woman?

I'm in need for girl who hasn't shown her face to me so far. When will I know when I run into that girl? Will she be blank or will she just know? I want her to just know and feel me when I first see her. I want to wake up and know that I have to care, love and protect someone else but me. I want to be that one that has to do whatever to protect the one he loves. All this sounds corny and I know that you laugh, but I'm the only one who admits that we long for something real and not just today. I want this to last forever, even in my dreams. I still search, the barren corners of my endless dream and hope to one day find that shine in the dark and know that its alright.

Chapter 27: Having Trials, Still Thankful

Its another one of those late nights and I'm working on homework that I've pushed off to the last second. On top of that my car's starter died last night so I had a quite interesting morning. I called in a tow truck, drove to the far side of town and waited 3.5hrs for my BIG bill. Yeah so I've been in a frenzy all day. I can't believe I've found time to just take a step back and make sure my body isn't overheating. Nope, I'm doing alright I guess.

Tomorrow I have a big test though and I hardly know what the test is going to be on. So tomorrow morning I'll take some time to study a bit and then I get to leave for Thanksgiving Break to home. I'm so excited because I haven't seen family for like a month. I miss my family a lot, but I still hate that old town. It looks old, smells old and I feel old when I reach the old town. I really didn't care to live there any longer then I had too, no offense to my parents, but I hated the day when they chose to move us to that crappy town. It will be nice though to see family, I get to see Gram Gram too. I love my grandma and she is such a cooky person.

I can't tell you how thankful I am to have an amazing family, a family that actually cares about me and wants the best for me in life. God has blessed me with a beautiful and loving family. I have so many things to be thankful for, but family is the most important one. I use to say,"Whenever I come home, I feel like a king. Mom and Dad make sure my time home is amazing and help me out with food or anything I need." Now its not like that, I see they didn't do it just because they missed me, but they did it because they want to let me know that they are still here for me even though I'm a grown man and moving on in life. The world isn't at its best right now, but my parents make it feel like it was when I was a kid, they make life easier.

I'm thankful for siblings too. There was times back in high school when I hated school and the people I called friends. The only true friends I had, are still my brother and sister. They are the greatest and help me everyday get over the troubles of life. My sister reminds me of a shining star, she's such a bright person and always happy. Five years ago, she told me she looked up to me because she was happy to see that I was following God and going to college, but since then I've looked up to her because she is so strong and loves God so much, she's been there with God the whole way for me, pushing me to become a better Christian. My brother is the best. When I feel alone and left out, he is always there to bug me and cheer me up, I could never ask God for a better brother. I love them both so much that I never want to disappoint them again because God and I know that I have disappointed them sometimes.

Its amazing that family will be there for you through the thick and thin. When I mess up, they forgive and love me. I've buttheads with them many times, but they have always welcomed me home when I have no where else to turn. Again God, I thank you for giving me a family that cares and I pray for everyone in the world and hope their families love them too. If they don't, God will always be your father.

Chapter 26: Back to the Hood

If I have never told, I was born in Los Angeles, CA. We actually lived in San Bernadino, which was like 10 mins from L.A. I lived in the ghettos. Today I decided to watch Boyz N the Hood, starring Cuba Gooding Jr. and Ice Cube who live in the hood of L.A. It seems so real and I recall my dad telling me the time he went to the hood. My dad was a pizza delivery driver for Pizza Hut for a couple of days, before he quit. The reason he quit that job was when he went on his second delivery and he went to the ghettos to deliver the pizza. He got to this shady house and walked up to the steps. He was a skinny white boy in a black neighborhood. Some African American came to the door and took the pizza from him. My dad asked for money and the guy told him to piss off. The guy had a glock on him and my dad remembers that he looked high. My dad just walked away and quit that night.

Its crazy that every city has a hood, even the small city I live in the Midwest. I know a guy that has connections with some people in town and this just reminds me of my hometown. People always trying to be big or somethin. I just don't see why people want to get caught up in this shit. He asked if I would help him out with finding some clients or interested friends, I told him that I would let him know. People are dumb, I just want to know whats going to happen to him when he gets caught. I don't want to go into jail and do time and never have a job or family. Why screw that all up?

I sit in my room and listen to Tupac radio station on Pandora. I don't really like the lyrics, but I enjoy the 90's beats. It lets me think and relax. The lyrics are garbage and I can't believe people actually listened to this back in the day. I guess times have changed and so have people. I'm so glad I don't live in C.A. because I don't want to witness crime, I just want to keep all the good memories from living in C.A. I love that place and I know that if I go back, I wouldn't fit in. Its just been so long and I don't know the lifestyle out there no more. Lets just say if I went back, I would either fly back home or get shot running off my mouth. Life is hard on the west coast and its no place for a Minnesota Man.

Chapter 25: You Don't Know My Story

Music pouring into my ears and traveling throughout my body. I try to lose myself and keep my mind off the past and the future. My muscles ache and I can't stop thinking about the past. I tried to lend a hand and talk to people, but people really don't care. They think they know me, but its quite the opposite. There is so much to know about one person's life and its nearly impossible to know everything and impossible to feel what they have felt. Before you say, I know you, just think for a second... you don't know me.

About 2 years ago, my family suffered the passing of a relative. That relative was very close to my grandma and her kids. My grandpa was a very good friend of mine and he was a man that I could look up to because he was always happy, even towards the suffering he faced at the end of his life. I wish I was there for my family when he passed away, I felt so left out when I heard the news in my room. I admit, I balled my eyes out and tears poured out. I'm not embarrassed nor should I be. I love that man, he should me that nothing was impossible if I put my mind to it. He believed in me and really enjoyed my dreams of becoming a director. We use to watch John Wayne movies together, man I miss those times so much. He is what really got me into watching and making movies. If it wasn't for him, I don't think I would be here pursuing this career and a 3D motion picture animator. I wish he was still here to see my films that I have made. Its just I wish he was still here with us. I know it was his time, but if God came here today, I would ask him I could spend one last day with him and watch The Searchers again with him one last time.

Kid Cudi has a song called Mr. Rager, in the song he talks about travelin through life and experincing new adventures. Right now I'm traveling with just God and I across the biggest adventure of all time, Life. I've learned a lot since my grandpa passed and he keeps reminding me not to give up on myself and God. If I can't trust anyone in this world, I will always be able to trust in God.

I'm creating a story called Dreamworld. Its going to be created in 3D for my final project. It tells the story of two siblings that grow farther apart after the death of their parents. They both get trapped within a book titled Dreamworld and have to face challenges throughout the movie. They must get through the book in order to fix their relationship and save each other. The film is dedicated to my grandpa and for showing that I can do anything through the help of friends and family. Grandpa I love you so much and hope you enjoy my film from high up there.

Chater 24: The New Girl

Friend puking in the toilet and in the car and still I'm still happy. I met a girl, shes just not cute, but really nice to talk to and I feel like we connected. Her name is Ashley and its not the girl that I previously had in sophomore year. This girl is different and I really was interested in listening to her. I felt connected, judge me if you want to because I may be drunk, but I met the best girl in the world. Picture this 22, short hair and very nice and cute. I wish she came over, but girl puking in the toilet. I want to talk to her more, shes a welder and she went to Joseph's Hair Design for makeup. She wants to create makeup for people, how cool is that?  I miss her short hair and deep eyes. Everything come from the heart right now, I wish she was interested in me. I needed to talk to her because for some reason this was meant to be. When I was drunk, I still was focused just on her. I wish she was here. I miss just talking about life and I was super excited that she texted me. A girl who wants a Harley motorcycle is awesome, I told her that I did some motocross back in the day and she really like that. I'm glad that we met, I'm glad I didn't chicken out. Why can't I stay with her tonight? I miss her name even though girls with the letter "A" are curses to me. Goodnight and hopefully I will see or talk to Ashley again.

Chapter 23: The Second Coming

I'm turning 22, I'm getting older and don't know what to do. Life keeps spinning and I keep thinking about what I'm to do. I keep listening to a song and I don't know what it means, but there is this thing that keeps on  making me listen to this song. It makes me think of my past, present and future. I keep wishing for a direction in life and know it won't happen because I need to create my own direction for myself. I want someone to show me, I'm tired of wandering alone.

I keep running and wandering. I think I'm trying to discover or find something that I don't have. I will probably never find it because I know I'm trying to hard and searching in the wrong places. I wish someone would just tap me on the shoulder and turn me around. I would really appreciate that and hope someone saves me from my darkest fear, me. Sometimes I wonder who I am and what I want to accomplish. What do I seek and what do I pleasure?

I wish I could feel emotion when I needed to, but for some reason emotion has bee withheld from me and I feel nothing. What am I suppose to do? I think its because I have too much on my mind and I think that getting older means I need to change something about myself. I know that I need to be myself, but I want to be something greater. Sometimes I feel like I don't know who I am anymore and that scares me. I forget my past and have no history. I'm just a blank page in a book, there is nothing to describe me by. I pure nothingness sometimes. I'm lost within all the frustration of the world and I need a way out.

I think sometimes its better to be with someone then be without. I lack the feeling of love from people and I feel like I'm standing at the ledge, I'm waiting for someone to say stop, but I only hear the wind blowin. I'm defiantly on the hardest adventure of my life and I don't see no ending. I'm not sure whether to control myself or let myself go. I'm scared, really scared and I'm confused. I've been told I'm a nice guy, but no one takes an interest in the nice guy. They only want whats hot and whats cool. No one wants what reality is, they only want fake and fiction. These words describes all of the douches out there and those girls left crying after they have chosen wrong. " Once I take second place, I won't be here. I'll be gone and I don't ever take second place."

I'm trying to think of my best day ever and the past comes back to me. I remember my true friends and how we survived in elementary. I'm soon to have my birthday party and hit 22. I remember when I hit 12 and remember 12 being the best year I ever had. I had the greatest friends Dustin, David and Evan. We were the best of friends and no one could rip us apart. We were young back then and my birthday party was the best time and last time I remember being really happy. I had the best friends that anyone could have till I moved. Since then, life has shown me who these people can become. Dustin has a kid now, David has seen the life of temptation and I pray for him everyday that he would leave temptation alone and Evan I've lost track of. I wish for those good days and I know I will never get to see them again. I wish I could be that happy smilin kid again, but my adventure doesn't allow me to become like Mr. Pan. I only get to move on and desire new dreams and memories.

Chapter 22: I Still Think of You

I had a great night like always. Met some new people and we talked about all sorts of things. We talked about martial arts and if Jackie Chan is really a boss at fighting. The night I thought about getting older though, I'm turning 22 in a couple of days. Why do I need to get older?

I remember the movie Peter Pan and realize that I never want to grow up. I've been creating this past week my very own animated script for my final project and I'm getting very excited about it. I'm listening to Disney music and it just reminds me of the perfect childhood I had. I get thinking though after my final project what am I looking forward too?

I guess there is my career in animation and movies, but I wonder what life has for me. I don't even have a single crush. I guess I still think of you and when you told me it was going to be ok when my Grandpa died. I still remember that night when I heard the news and I sat in my room crying alone. I called her up and asked if we could meet. She told me it was alright and I grew stronger. God was with us that night and I miss that feeling. I know she was the one for me, but I was too afraid to say anything. She has since then, left and I wish I had that chance to tell her how much I appreciated her company that night.

I still think of her and sometimes have dreams where we are walking across a field of grass. We talk about life and I hold her hand. My dreams are realistic and life like. I can feel the warmth from her hands and see each strand of her hair blowing in the wind. I hear the song just now called How Great is Our God. I know it doesn't seem real, but it just happened. I know God is telling me something. I still long for my father and I love him so. I feel he has set on my heart to love her, but she is so distant. How do I let her know that I still care for her? To let her know after a whole year, will she think I'm joking or does she feel the same?

I remember meeting her at fallopolooza. Its a retreat that I went on with CRU and it was one of the best experiences ever. I miss all of my friends from CRU and I feel like my heart needs a change. I let someone know last week that I'm not a great person, I might seem nice, but in reality I'm dark sinner who desires what the world has to offer. God I pray to you right now, let me have a second, third, forth chance to come back to you and love you. I need your help in every way and I've fall too far to depend only on myself. Save me Lord, bring me to the light and maybe someday I can care about her or that special someone. Amen.

Chapter 21: Enjoying Life as I Roam the World

I've been trying to settle down from the last experience that some girls put you through. I've been really trying to focus on school and fill my time with other things. I finally stopped working as a shoes sales man and I feel relived. I think that I need to peel off that layer and move on. I've been peeling off a lot of layers of my life, like some girls, jobs and class work. I've been trying to enjoy the little things that life has to offer each day. You need to move on to build yourself up again.

I decided to pick up a supply of art materials because recently I've been drawing and brainstorming ideas in my notebook during class. I've been taking a class for my final project in graphic communications and the topic came up about storyboards and now I have a sketchpad that I will use to create my storyboards for my animation. I've revisited the past and remembered why I want to pursue this career and become a director of animation one day. I really like to use my imagination and create things that I visualize. There is just something about creating my own world and characters that excite me.

I really enjoy going out and eating on Tuesday nights at the OB. Great wings for just 25 cents satisfy this poor man college student. I just like the atmosphere and hanging out with my friends and roomie. I guess I need a break during the week to keep me going. Also there are some cute waitresses there too. Haha yeah we like to joke about that stuff too, especially with Steeleo. Haha actually just ate there tonight with him and our waitress was very nice and cute. Hmm wish I would have told her my birthday party was coming up; she commented on me turning 22. Hmm I think she liked me, oh well who knows.

Yeah turning 22 in two weeks. Getting older and throwing in graduation makes me feel strange. I still don't really know what I want to do in life. The biggest adventure hasn't happened yet and wondering when it will hit. So back to my party, hmm what to do. Well there was one thing I joked to Tory about before he headed to Iowa. I asked him if we could do a smaller scale Project X for my b-day. He laughed and said yeah fo sure, anything for my friend. He also mentioned about having a square dance in the barn they have and I was like yes, a must. It would be crazy if we could get it done, but I have a feeling like it will fall through.

Today was like, I need to do something productive or fun. I haven't played basketball for awhile and I really enjoyed it when I got on the winning team. You might not know how hard it is on a guy who hasn't done a lot of working out for the past month and be on the winning team for basketball. What the winning team is, you get to keep playing till you lose. My team won 8 straight games and I felt like my knees were going to explode. Luckily they didn't, but I really need to get back in shape, plus I miss basketball. So yeah that was fun. My teammates kept calling me Scalibrine because I have red hair and Scalibrine is a red head basketball player in the NBA. It didn't bother me, it was actually quite funny and hey I'm a pro.

It must have been a good day, tired out for once and feel like sleeping soon. I've totally put off worrying and problems in life this week. I've focused on enjoying the "now" and keep on looking up after battle after battle. Life is just one step to paradise and I try to enjoy the little things and I keep going in my life adventure.

Chapter 20: The Sleepless Dream

I wandered my way home tonight. As I got out into the midnight air, I ran for quite awhile, but I only remember the noise and problems from the night. Blue and red lights flash and I turn away, afraid of being seen and seeing possibly my own self ghost stumbling inside that car. I meet some people I know and I feel like there friend for a second, but I'm reminded that I'm not like them in anyway. I walk alone and make sure I get only what I need, some food that I think will get me through the night. The eyes of everyone looking at me pierce my outer shell of a body and intersect who I truly have become; a monster.

I walk in the shadows, alone and taste disappointment. As I run, I try to jump in the shadows and cover myself from thee above and who I know is always looking down. Its been a night of hallucinations in a bottle and beats of the beating drum of death. The songs that played don't describe who I am, but who I for some reason want to be. I feel the bit of happiness, but happiness doesn't fulfill my joy beyond this earthly life. I want to live for something purer; I want to live beyond the clouds in the night sky.

Everyone keeps hearing, "Shots, Shots, Shots," but I wish they would be saying, "God, God, God." Words that were easily said when I was young have been replaced and I feel like I'm drifting in space. These blurry nights don't connect to you at all and every time I feel like I'm falling farther from you. There is room for error if your willing to change, but I don't fall under that statement at all. I keep walking that same dark road and keep on lighting the match that sparks the flames. I wish I could reach that outstretched hand and pull in your grace, but I'm distant like a sleepless dream. I'm tired and feel the tension of distraction and hate. Why did you make me into who I am and why did you have to give me this face? I can still taste the pure sickness in my throat and try to cough, but it only gets sorer as I go. I know you have a plan and I tried to be the one who can take it all, but Lord knows that I can not walk this world alone.

The "Sleepless Dream" doesn't have to be because this gravity brings me back to you. I am held with a the love you have and I fall asleep within your plan of making me the person who I was always meant to be. A warrior, fighting to tell the truth and not lying and spreading theses wildfires. Hold me close away from the drank and all the other sins of this world. I want to battle to live with you.

I was asked why I want to remain a live within God's presence and at the time I couldn't fully answer the question being asked. I realized living without the forgiveness, grace and love God shows us would make living forever not worth it. Though the world may try to bury this man who has the will to chase God till death of him, they can never erase what God did for me. No one can simply forgive you of your pass and love you enough to spend everlasting life in Heaven. For God create all of us in his image and loves us so much that he gave his life, to save the world from themselves. I will not mesh into the world's desire, but desire the one true God who has saved me from my "Sleepless Dream."

Chapter 19: The Last Year

College started up this week again. I had to do a lot to get prepared for the start of school and for everyone else who started school this week. There are a ton of freshman, I remember when I was a freshman. I was excited to start off fresh, with new people and new classes. I couldn't wait to start 3D modeling and now I can't wait for school to just come to a close. I will say that it terrifies me to know that I will need to look for a job in my field in one year. I have had plenty of jobs, but I haven't experienced what it feels like to get a job in my major. Will I soon begin to hate what I am doing? Half of me is excited and the other half is just wondering if there are jobs out there after college, which gets me thinking if I should ever stop learning at college in the first place. I've had recent thoughts about writing, but I feel that I couldn't make a living off that and soon I would also hate writing as a career.

The last year gets me thinking about what I should do? Do I party hard and stay up late or should I accomplish everything with excellence and hit the books hard? You only get to go through you're senior year once and I find it hard to believe that I'm already a senior. I feel like I'm not really prepared to get a job. So it gets me thinking that I need to learn more this year then I have the past three years. Right about now I could be writing about why I am a graphic communications student or writing about my final project proposal, but instead I feel like I need to set that aside and think about what the future might be about.

I've already discussed to everyone in the world that I have "connections" to Dreamworks Animaitons Studios in CA, but really I'm just as far away from my dream job as everyone else. I think the word that best describes what I could do is "try". I could at least try to make an effort to push me to accomplish great things, but I just don't know if trying is all it takes. I never try, I only think and tell about what I want to do and I never get to doing the things I talk about. I think I would be a great visionary and brain stormer in a business. I could tell everyone what we should do and then they would do it for me. Which now brings me to the status of "Lazy". Yes at the end of all this I feel lazy and distracted. I'm caught up with a lot of games and people who constantly ask me to hangout or play me. I still have great ideas and creations I would like to make and develop, but they are quickly floating away. I need to refocus and conqueror this last year. I feel like seniors always get the same thought, "Last year, better party it up hard because its gonna be the last time I can." Their last statement is true because if they party it up hard the last year and don't focus on the things that are important to them, they will become the guy that has to work hard all the time and have no future fun. See I think we will always be allowed to party in the future and college is just another step towards doing greater and more exciting things.

The last year for me is about defining who I want to be and where I want to travel. My actions will build up new adventures for me and I get to choose if I want them to be amazing or depressing. My goal has always been to become a director within the walls of motion picture and this last year will sky rocket me towards that dream that I had when I was just twelve years old. Senior year meet your future director of animation!

Chapter 18: The Storm has Passed

I know it has been awhile. Truth is I was lacking inspiration and I had the world's problems on my shoulders. The summer has been great, but it could have been better. Oh its not the classes that are killing me, it was my ex-roomie. We gave him several names, but the one that best describes him is "The Child". See parents teach their kids to be responsible, respectful and reliable. The three R's make us into a more rounded individual. My roomie was not that rounded; he was a triangle. He was terrible, threatening and most of all toxic. When he was home, it was as if toxic waste fell in and burned any good thought of being in our new apartment. My other roomie referred to him as a waste of space, which led to his name "Toxic Waste". 

He was a special kid. The outward appearance of a nerd/outcast gave of an aroma of unwanted. It was sad, he had no friends. Shortly after being friends with him he would yell at me, insult my beliefs and friends. He pushed me too far which led to his downfall. We kicked him out.

He said hell would break lose, but I knew he was all talk. Like when he said he was going to get a new job, he never did. He also talked about paying us back for stuff, which led to 2 months of waiting and nagging on him to give us the money. He paid us back, but he did it with an attitude. He said it was time for hardball; war. I said, "IF you play this game, you will lose. You don't know how to play hardball." He was filled with so much hatred that he didn't think at this game. The turnout of the game only pointed to him losing and thats what happened. He left with tears in his eyes and being unwanted, alone and depressed. 

He threatened us that he would commit suicide and we told him not to joke about that. We could hear him talk about how much he hated us as he left that rainy Friday. It was almost as if the storm clouds cried with him. As soon as he left, the clouds parted and a beautiful rainbow appeared and the sunset was amazing. The storm has passed I told my other roommate and now we can do what we have to do this last year of school. We have outlasted hell itself.

We joke time to time about the old rot that use to live among us. I would like to get a shirt thats says, "Hey Dude, Guess What?" because my roommate would say, "He's gone! We won!" We laugh about all the childish things he said to us and things he tried to get back at us. He was a friend, but now hes my enemy. As long as I live, I will remember this adventure as the toughest and most stressful thing in my life.

I can finally for once see the good in life and I can look forward to my last year in college. Senior Baby!

Chapter 17: Is there a light at the end of this tunnel???

The projects have done a number on me. I'm tired, grouchy and zoning out. Have you ever looked at a render and wonder why it takes so long take create a simple picture? To me it seems like I did all the hard work already, why is the computer trying to match my efforts? Well I'll be happy when all this rendering and film stuff is done. I can't remember when the last time I had a decent amount of sleep, must have been at least 3 weeks ago. Oh well, I guess I can expect this from all the finals.

I walked into my new apartment again today. I felt like the room might have been lonely so I visited it. There is nothing in our apartment besides a guitar and some clothes. It feels empty and I can't wait to fill it with my stuff. The job search has been has been a tough battle. Still no victory in finding a new job for the summer besides the one I already have. I will need it to pay the rent. My first apartment payment has taken a chunk out of my funds and I decided I needed to cut something. I'm sorry Netflix, but its time to go. I will miss your weird selection of movies and awesome tv shows.

On a high note, I saw the new Dark Knight Rises Trailer. It still has me questioning a lot of things. Will Batman fall to the hands of Bane? Will Bruce Wayne have to travel back to a place of healing, Lazarus Pit? Will Michael Cane become the new Batman? Lol I doubt it, but still a question.

It gets me thinking, where is the light at the end of this tunnel? Everyone says there is one, but I have not reached it. I guess life is a continuos struggle and we will one day reach that light. The light I seek for is my big break into a career, a relationship and some sleep. I think I'll be able to get sleep soon, but I'll have to finish rendering this last scene. Later!

Chapter 16: Final Projects Report

Alrighty! You know what time of year it is? It's final time and many projects to do. Well I know you all like pictures and video so I have something extra for you all. I'll be posting many videos and pictures for the next week. So check back from time to time to see something new.

I'm just so excited, I had my final film screening and at first I was nervous, but then I showed my film to the class and they liked it. My teacher was flipping out and his assistant just had a jaw drop expression, he was surprised that I this film was created in Beginning film class. I was happy to hear my teacher give me 5-stars! I also got people asking me how I did the blood. Answer: Blood was created with Hershey's Chocolate Syrup. Lol it looks like blood in black in white film. The best compliment was from a freshman, he said,"Why aren't you a film major, your really good at this." I had a smile on my face and thanked him.

Reason why I'm not a film major? Well I believe there aren't as many jobs available. Plus its very competitive career and that would kill the fun for me. I'll be happy creating motion picture animated films. I feel more comfortable creating children's films too. Right now I'm working on the batman animation and its looking quite good. Sometimes I get pissed a little, but for the most part its enjoyable. Right now I'm in my batman phase and I can't wait for the last movie, Dark Knight Rises. I should probably get my tickets for that soon. Coming out in July!

Yeah I just wanted to let you all know whats going on, if you wonder why I might not post for a bit. I hope you enjoy the pictures and video that is about to come. Let me know what you think. Later!

Meet the Team for "Tally Mark"...

Me!

Christian

Zach

 

Nate

Jake

 

Larissa

Al

Me directing a scene from Tally Mark

Christina loading Arri S

Christian cutting the suit

Trying to get a light meter reading at 1:00am

We only used on bottle of chocolate - blood scene

Al plays a Mob Leader

Christian has also appeared

, Quarter Pursuit.

Me being me

Fight Scene - choreographed by Me!

We were all very tired at the end.

Chapter 15: On the Rise

School is finishing up pretty soon and I feel like I haven't done anything. Well I guess I'm close to finishing my film about an inspired character who is locked up in a prison. Hmm it should be a great film for all you psychological thriller fans! Yeah I feel like time is flying by and I can't slow it down for just a bit. Last week I spent the weekend just gaming it up and chilling out with my bro and my friend playing some LoL. I guess I needed to the break, but its time to rise to the occasions and kick finals in the butt.

Exciting news to go along with my film, I just found out that we are moving into our new apartment soon. We live on the highest floor (which is only floor 3) and we have a perfect view of downtown Fargo. I'm really pumped and I can't wait to chill in the new pad. My roommate talked to me today about getting a snake today and I was fine with it, but the other guy we are living with hates snakes (haha we quoted Indiana Jones).

Indiana: There's a big snake in the plane, Jock!
Jock: Oh, that's just my pet snake Reggie.
Indiana: I hate snakes, Jock! I hate 'em!
Jock: Come on! Show a little backbone, will ya!

Well my roommate might just get a lizard or something, but hey I think he should still get the snake. The apartment is super nice. Big kitchen, big living room, big bathroom etc. I can't wait to stay up in Fargo this summer, besides the summer classes. I think it will be a good experience and I'll be able to enjoy myself. I applied for a couple of jobs, but I haven't heard from any of them yet. Had two interviews and I thought they went well, but we will see. Once I get my second job, I will be swimming in the money (well after I pay for rent, food and gas, then I'll be able to swim in the cash).

I still have a major final coming up though. I have this animated batman project that I'm working on (I don't know if I've told you before, but its fricken sweet). It has been frustrating, but life is not a breeze, its a freakin wind storm hitting you from all angles. That might be a little over the top, but hey the animation process is coming along and I have my batman rigged finally!!! :) I'm very proud of myself if you can see. I'm currently in the process of giving him movement and applying him to the high rise scene (buildings and skyscrapers, you know). It looks amazing, thats all I can say. Its due on may 5th I think, but I need to conquer it sooner. Thats why I left my weekend available.

I guess life is going good. I met up with a friend who wants to actually go out and get some yogurt this sunday. I'm super pumped and can't wait. She is a great friend and she really doesn't know how much I enjoy talking to her. She told me she wants to hangout this summer alot. Super pumped!!!

Life is on the rise and I'm working at being patient and not worrying so much. I think it helps to keep my life filled with things to do, then things to worry about. All I want to do now is to keep climbing the mountain of life and never give up. And like how Short Round says, "I keep telling you, you listen to me more, you live longer!"

Chapter 14: Cut and Connect

I've been very busy lately and I haven't seen the keyboard for awhile now. I finally got my time to explain the stress this week, but its not about the stress, its about the experiences. I attended to my regular job campus and boy its gotta be more boring than visiting the nursing home. I would rather play cards with old people for same amount of time then sit on my butt and see listen to the humming of the vending machines outside of my work place. They are really irritating. I'm not really a big fan of this job because of two things. First, no one ever comes to my work for help or just to talk and second, I feel practically useless. I seriously don't do much except put more paper into the printer and rent out pool equipment. I don't really get my taste of satisfaction from this job.

The job I do get my satisfaction from is from Sober Drive. Yeah I drive drunks around and get paid to take them home or to another bar. You all probably think its weird, but hey if you were to see all the money I make from it, you would jump on this job too. I also get to hear weird stories and talk to some pretty "smashed" people. I can't help laughing at drunks sometimes. Ok, I've been waiting to tell you all an experience I had 2 weeks ago. We got a call to go pick some people up and when we get to this bar, the clients as I like to say were pissed off. One heavier guy was bleeding from the head. He said he was hit by a car. We rushed him to the hospital with his two other friends. That night I almost had to bail someone out of jail and the client gave me $550 to bail her out. Luckily she got let go with a warning. That night was super hectic, but defiantly worth the $125 I made in 4.5 hrs of work. Sometimes driving drunks gives me a thrill.

The big task this weekend was defiantly to edit my film project. I'm not a big fan of 16mm film, but when I saw the results of my film that I've been waiting for 2 weeks for, I was excited. Usually when you plan for something, it never happens the way you visualized it, but today was not one of those days. Everything was sharp and good exposure. I don't like to boast, but my film looks like it could pull in some awards this year. Soon I will be working on sound and then the final cut. When it comes to editing, you have to watch your footage first to get an idea of what your movie is about again. As a film student, we have to send our 16mm film to a processing company in Seattle. It takes about 2 weeks to get it back and when you get it back, its always nerve-racking when your about to open it up and see the results. Film is very different from video. The reasons why I like video more is because I can see the results now, I don't have to wait 2 weeks to get it back and its a pain to setup. The editing process is long because you have to cut your film, organize the film in order and then connect the film strips together with tape. If you stay focused and edit fast, it still takes roughly about 3 hrs to edit, I on the other hand, was editing for 8 hrs. Yeah weekend kinda of gone, but hey for once I was productive. If you can't tell I'm sort of impatient.

I've really notice this when it comes to organizing my weeks. I want to do so much, but I only have time to do things like work and school. I like to party and have fun, but sometimes you just gotta say no or say "next weekend I'll do something more crazy!" Yeah life is like one long movie, you have to cut and connect the things that really matter to you like work, school, friends and family. Sometimes its alright to leave out partying and drinking from your final schedule.

When I write, I don't feel stressed out. I write because my brain needs to let out all the things I may be thinking about at a particular time. Sometimes it just feels good to let someone know, sometimes its good to connect with people who will listen.

Chapter 13: Chasing the Skirt

Woke up this morning feeling crappy like always. Got ready for the day and headed off to my Animation Class. When I got there, my professor was using my final project last semester to show a student what we can do in this department, that made me very happy. Plus she was cute and looked like she enjoyed what she saw. Haha I'm just kidding, but hey she was cute. Yeah animation class is not too bad, but very frustrating from time to time. I want to create stuff like Pixar and Dreamworks, but I'm still learning. Well after 3 hours of very productive work, I left the classroom to go back to my room.

As I walked across my campus, I happened to see in the distance the girl that I liked and my friend. They were holding hands sadly and I tried to keep my head down, hoping they would not notice me. They noticed me of course because like in these kind of situations they always do. They both said hi to me and I had to say hi back. You know its polite to say hi back, lol well inside me I felt like a frickin war was about to begin. I just don't get how relationships spark or what I'm trying to say is how people know they want to start a relationship? To make sure I wasn't just assuming, I sent a text to my organization leader to see if he knew anything about it. The organization leader is actually the older brother of the guy who was holding hands with my secret crush. He sent a text back saying that they were and I should talk to him about my feelings sometime.

A good day gone bad, hmmm nah I don't feel like talking. I knew I wanted to know if they were dating, but I just didn't want to hear "yes they are". I wanted to beat the crap out of something, but I decided to relax and chill. I feel like chasing skirts never gets me anywhere. What do I mean by "chasing skirts?" I mean that chasing girls always ends up breaking my heart or there's. Its a killer to find out that someone else has been selected to buy her food and take her out to nice places. I feel like I'm super negative right now and I probably am, I'm tired of getting second place or friend zoned.

I scroll through the list of girls that have done this to me:
(I'm giving nickname's to the girls to keep their identities secret.)

1. Curly Curls - She was heartbroken at the time I met her. I liked her and she liked me, I think because she just wanted to find someone who wouldn't break her heart. I decided to take things slow and not push things to quickly. At the time one of my friends went behind my back and screwed her. Lets just say we are not friends anymore.

2. 18 Cutie - She was nice to me. She would text me every night, which sometimes got annoying. She was cute and she was 18. She liked me for who I was. Only thing she forgot to tell me was that she liked to jump around a lot. She had her fun with me and visited from time to time, till she got married and had a kid.

3. Goodie Good - She was smart, nice and a Christian girl. We hungout with each other, I visited her at work sometimes and she would do the same. She was funny and awesome! She just wanted to be friends, but I was trying to go to fast. Kissed her and she just decided we needed to have time apart. She got an actual boyfriend and they recently broke up. Now she bugs me and I don't know what to say. Feelings have kind of past.

There are a couple of girls later, but nothing worth mentioning about. I'm like a mirror when someone throws a rock at it. I'm a shattered heart and confused mind. My feelings take hold of me and I just get burned. Have you seen the movie, Hitch? He gets other people into relationships, but he can't get into his own. I'm sort of like that. Maybe I'll get my break soon, maybe I just need to be Solo man for awhile.

Chapter 12: Solo Man

So I planned to shoot my final film for class the other day. We have to use a camera called an arri s. Very old camera and it shoots in black and white. Very hard to control and you need lots of patience. Well we got most of the movie shot, its called Tally Mark. Anyways its a psychological thriller on a man who remembers the first man he killed. You know that creepy stuff. Well the last reel of film did not process right because it didn't run through the camera properly, so 3 hrs wasted. On top of that, we lost a battery belt and one of the lights fell and broke. Just what I needed right? Something to piss me off.

The film department helped me find the battery pack and I was told that the light bulb blew out. Both so reassuring and my professor told me that I could use the film footage that i shot and edit a new story with it. So its worth a try, but I won't get to see it for another week or so. Things were getting better and I got back everything I lost.

After 3 Months of tae kwon do, I finally got my orange belt!!! Yes no I'm ready to fight crime and all that, Lol I'm just messin with yah. Its a fun activity and I really enjoy myself. Sure the bruises and scars hurt, but its worth it. I also met with one of my favorite friends today. Truth be told I kind like her a lot, anyways I met up with her and another friend of ours. We talked about how we would make a new video for the organization that we are in announcing the new MCs. I like to plan out stuff like this, I really do enjoy making movies and seeing something that I've made. We plan on doing something with superheros so it should be awesome!

After we were done and they left, I took some time for myself to just relax and drink my Gatorade that I got at the local on campus shop. I took in all the sounds around me and shut my eyes slightly, I felt at peace and at ease. It was like 10 mins of relaxation. You know the type where your trying to let your mind catch up with the rest of your body. It needed a good 10 mins off. I recognized a friend working in the building I was relaxing in and started to talk to her while she put on her fake smile.

The smile, a type of smile that makes you think you could do better, but then you realize you can't and you say its fake. Well it was a huge smile, but friendly and we caught up with each other. I told her that I like the girl that I was talking to and she said that her boyfriend was sitting with us, when we had the meeting. My mind went for a twirl and smacked on the floor of my skull. What? When? Why didn't anyone let me know? No way!? Questions just took a ride on my brain and they finally came to a halt. Smiley friend said she caught them holding hands once. I told her that it could have been a friendly hold, but now I'm not to sure. He's too young for her, why is she thinking about him?

I question sometimes why people don't flat out tell me that they are dating someone, so I don't need to put too much of an interest in them. Life is not fair and I've been walking on that block of life for way too long. When will I get my break and find the girl I've been missing? Why won't she just tell me? My return back has not been a safe landing, but its ok, I survived the disaster and now its time to forget. Someone once told me there are plenty of fish in the sea and I usually return with, "yeah and those ones are all normal or ugly". I faced the big fact about girls, the hot ones are mean and the cute ones are taken. Leaving me a solo man with nothing.

Chapter 11: My Roommate and I Died

Well we didn't actually die, but we were close to, but not really. An employee at Hornbauchers was snowblowing and blew some snow at us as we drove by. It caused us to swerve and crash into a snow bank. Luckily we didn't die, but really it wasn't super bad. We decided to make it dramatic and we made a fake obituary and posted it on Facebook. I know you all like to know what is going on with me at college so here is my treat for you. By the way, Vong is my roommate and we did not die. Just want to make sure. Enjoy!

                                                       
If its hard to read, Click on the Photo  

Chapter 10: Lab Rat

How do I make money and fast? Well I got setup with a thing called a prac study. Basically I go to this facility, take a pill that needs testing, and stay there for 34.5 hrs a weekend. The pill I have to take is for children with ADHD, I don't have ADHD so I'm what you call the control part of the experiment. I had to check-in last Friday at 6pm. It was very weird and to tell you the truth I was kind of nervous.

I packed myself a pillow, a blanket, 2 days worth of clothing, a toothbrush, toothpaste, my iPod, cellphone and homework. I didn't know what to expect and I didn't know anyone there. I got a wrist band with my name and client number and I had to sign a packet like 20 times. Talk about wasting paper. I got a bottom bunk bed because I usually sleep on a loft. The first day wasn't so bad, they gave us a snack, they let us watch a movie and they put on the Timberwolves game at night. Oh by the way, I'm a huge Timberwolves fan. Go K Love and Ricky Rubio! Anyway I fell asleep really fast that night, but the next morning we had to wake up at 6:30am.

There was 140 people in the study, but only 100 of us got into the study. I was number 46 and I was really tired. I woke up with the prick of needle that went into my left arm. This would be blood draw number 1 of 20. I sat next to two cute girls. Both of them were talking to each other and I just sat on the end and listened to some Mac Miller on my iPod. As the day went on, the three of us would talk about ourselves, where we came from, about families etc. After 4 hrs of sitting in a chair and watching the movie, "50 First Dates" with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore, I had a total of 12 blood draws. My arm was a tad sore and it was time for lunch.

Throughout the rest of the day, number 36 who was Katie, number 41 who was Rachel and I talked and talked. We woke up this morning ready to get out of there though we had so much fun talking about pets, careers, and other personal things. Its not like I'll never get to see them again. We have prac study again next weekend and I will get to sit at my number 46 and talk to my two new friends. At first I was scared about this whole thing, but I have to remember that I'm making $700 from this study. Thats enough for me to go buy something cool for myself or probably the smart thing to do is to pay off some school loans. I didn't get much homework done there so I should probably stop procrastinating and get to it. I'll let you all on a little secret before I go. I was writing a movie script at pracs because I had nothing else to do. I'm going to let you view it next posting because I might need some feedback since its going to be my final in my FILM 284 class. Well I'll check back later. Peace.

Chapter 9: The Human Mind

The human mind is extraordinary. Recently I've been craving psychological thrillers and have notice a pattern in each film, the person who you think is the bad guy is never the bad guy and the least suspected person turns out to be the villain. I've always wondered how screenplay writers can write incredible screenplays on these type of films, they've never had this experience or have they?

Lately I've gotten paranoid because of these films and have turned every situation in life into thinking it in a thriller way. Lol I get bored, but some of these are actually mind blowing.

First, I went to work today and didn't really have to work. Like I wasn't there to work, I was watching the NBA on tv. The employee that was working was disturbed by an unknown fella. He was about 55 years old, black hair and he wore a blue jacket and a camouflage cap. The typical creeper started making conversation with the employee. She is like 19 and she is cute of course. She doesn't really want to talk with him and keeps to her self by working on homework. He introduces himself as Ron and goes to shake her hand. She shakes his hand and he grabs her hand with a little force and caresses her hand, telling her she has soft hands. Shes scared and she wishes she had pepper spray. Ron then says he would like her to come with him and visit his hometown sometime and at this point, she has 911 dialed. He leaves her and she breaks out in tears and calls her mom. I come by and notice shes crying, I calmed her down and called security. What is going on in his mind? Is he a sex-offender? I was in the psychological thriller mode. Lets continue...

There is always a girl on facebook who doesn't like to show her face on facebook. I don't mean she doesn't show her face, but like she doesn't like to take the normal picture. She is mysterious and hard to understand. Which is fun because I like to discover and explore someone's personality. Ok so I've talked to her and I kinda like her, but I don't know her too much. When I comment on her picture she responds, but is it friendly or does she kinda like me too? Sometimes I have dreams about her and I can't get her off my mind, maybe its a sign or maybe I'm thinking too hard. Ok next...

I usually take showers in the evening. You may ask, why is that, I usually take showers in the morning to wake me up. Well I like to take my showers at night to relax my mind and body, plus it helps me sleep for some reason. When I go to take a shower, I have to walk to the bathroom that is down the hall. The hallways is usually lit, but sometimes it is dark and gloomy. I like to think that I'm in a movie sometimes. There is one kid that lives in the dorms that creeps me out and when the hallway is gloomy, he reminds me of a serial killer. I know thats not nice, but it kinda keeps me toes. Sometimes when I got to the bathroom to shave, he always walks in afterwards to do the same. I'm scared to look back because he might be looking at me through the mirror, so I never look back. When I'm taking a shower, I sometimes think that when I pull the curtain he might be there standing there someday. That would defiantly creep me out.

When I don't worry and I lay my mind to rest, the shower makes my mind drift off into some sort of space. I feel relaxed and free to let go of my worries and fears. I feel invincible and happy. The mind is a strange thing and I think that I should probably lay off of the psychological thrillers for awhile because I'm probably going to direct a movie about one soon. Thats all I have for now and I hope you enjoyed this segment of how the mind works in my everyday adventures.

Chapter 8: The Return

I don't really know how many of you have really missed reading my blog, but I've returned. Its been quite some time now since my last post and there are a lot of things I could waste your time with, but I'll only mention a few.

Christmas has come and gone, but my parents were really giving this year. I got a Samsung hand cam that shoots in 1080p and has a lot of neat features such as night vision and a built-in hard drive. The hand cam is the size of my hand, literally. I plan on shooting some cool videos, maybe even a video blog, but we will see. I want to capture my city's surroundings and little events. I also got some movies, new shirts for my suit, and a car! I don't know what I would do without it. I can barely recall life before the car. Haha well my roomate and I are starting up PRo Thursdays again because now we don't have to bike in the snow and cold weather. Haha snow, we still haven't gotten that much snow, but back to the car. Now this car isn't a Corvette, Mustang, or Eclipse. I got the car for free from my parents and they expect me to pay for the gas and wear and tear. No, the car is a 1998 Oldsmobile Regency. It looks like this:

It doesn't look this shinny and I don't live near any mountains, but you get the picture. Its a grandpa car, but it gets me from point A to point B and back. I love it and it has replaced my broken, crappy bike.

So yeah Christmas was great, had lots of time to spend with the family and nerding it up with my bro. Got drunk on New Years, but who doesn't. But now I'm back at school and I'm filling different; I'm feeling new and fresh. I think this semester will be a good one since I only have 14 credits and one of my classes is Beginning Tae Kwon Do, by the way I'm sore and I don't feel like Bruce Lee. Hopefully I can get an orange belt and feel good about what I've accomplish this semester.

Last but not least, I'm working on getting my name into Dreamworks Animation. I'm talking to my aunt's mother about getting myself an internship at Dreamworks. She use to do a lot of work for the studio and she believes I might one day work for them. That is kind of a stretch, but its nice of her to work with me on getting an internship set up with them. We will see how that comes along in the future, but for now, I'm glad to be back and letting you know about my adventures through life. Later.