Just chillin in the lab after a successful day at the film screenings. It looks like some people do like my scene from Donnie Brasco. I'm glad that I could make some people happy, I still look at it and wish I could change somethings. The director is never fully pleased with their films, never. Thats the way it is and you gotta just move onto the next project. I got this Eminem craving, I've been listening everything from Like Toy Soldiers to Real Slim Shady to Space Bound. Space Bound has clinched my attention and I can't get it out of my head.
Thinking about this song, I'm not sure if I fear being burnt or dumped. Thing is I've never actually felt it before. I've had my emotions toyed with before though, that shit hurts. Girls make you feel like your worth something, but in all reality they just want to get from you what they want and ditch you. Its either me or the girls I'm pursuing and I already know its not me. Girls are mean, well most. I just never get a chance at girls that are nice, they are apart of a different world.
I can't crash land there because I've been labeled as a bad person. The rumors and stories people spread about me are false and people are so quick to judge, they will never get to know me as a cool, friendly and honest guy. I feel shut out and outcasted at times. My old roomie recently got a girlfriend and he hasn't done shit to get her. Like I even told him that he shouldn't give up on her and he should at least hangout with her cause shes cool. He almost let it die, but last second they got back together and know hes happy. I wish it was that easy to take off in a relationship like that.
I wish girls would just forgive me of my past and allow me to show how good of a man I can be. These dreams about having something of a life tear into me bit by bit. I'm taking it because I can handle it, but it slowly kills me.
A girl today talked about the fear of death. She said why am I doing all this stuff and in the end I know that I'll die and it won't matter. It will all just go to waste and I'll be forgotten. Whats the point? I was thinking God is the only reason why I'm here, but I also want to have a wife and raise a family. I want to achieve so much, does that make me selfish? Does that label me not a follower of God because I want to have a family and a career? I feel like everyone expects me to drop everything and kill all my dreams that God has given me. I feel like they are too insane for God that they end up just judging the people that don't do what they do. What makes them so much better of a person than me? They only do it to glorify themselves. No one does it purely to glorify God, everyone has a "Look at me" attitude will they try to do good in God's eyes.
I feel distant from them, not distant from God. I believe there is a girl out there that will understand me and love God and I. I don't need that girl who is going to breath down my neck and tell me I'm doing wrong when they don't know what I've gone through or who I am to begin with. Don't you dare point that finger, you've been there too. I may be several galaxies different then you, but that doesn't mean we can't be together. I just want you to understand my life and love me for how much I love God and family. Past is behind us and I'm soaring into a new life of meaning and that special someone can join me, otherwise get out of my way because I'm not wasting my life.
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